


Habits of my Heart

by NerdyMariaMania



Category: Saturday Night Live
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I'm sorry for what I'm about to put Stefon through, Mentions of Sex, Multi, Recreational Drug Use, Work In Progress, depression and anxiety, homophobic flashbacks of asshole characters, my sad son, self doubt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-07 23:35:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14681820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdyMariaMania/pseuds/NerdyMariaMania
Summary: The years before Stefon found himself on Weekend Update were some of the weirdest, and lowest points in his life. He wouldn't say he hated them, but there were only a few moments he would look back on in fond memory.*The Story of Stefon Zolesky (Meyers), Saturday Night Live's finest hot mess/City Correspondent, and his life from 2006 to 2010..(ON HIATUS)





	1. Chapter 1

Stefon liked long sleeved shirts. They covered the tattoos he wasn't supposed to have. He could grab at the ends of the them and hide behind them when he had an anxiety or panic attack. They can be used as tissues, and that's exactly what they were being used for at this moment in time. Right arm was for his tears and the left for his nose. Unsanitary, yes, but he didn't have any alternatives. 

He put one foot in front of the other and trudged to his brother's apartment. Correction- his brother and his brother's girlfriend’s apartment. Amber had just moved in with David a few months back. It was a one room apartment, but they lived in New York City, so it was a mansion to them.

Stefon felt the back of his neck, and pulled out a piece of ceramic, “Fuck…” there was some blood at the end of it. He didn't hurt too bad, probably just needed a bandaid.

He finally made it to their apartment building, he had visited them all the time. It was like a second home, it was probably about to be his only home. They lived on the third floor, out of five, no elevators, Stefon really hated these stairs, but he was going to have to learn to deal with them.

As he made his way up the three flights of stairs, he could hear David playing his guitar and Amber making up song lyrics. Stefon made it to their door and knocked a little louder than normal so they could hear over the guitar. Stefon looked around the hallway he was in, the beige walls with red trim had cracks at the tops. The floorboards looked very old and water damaged, as if you stood on them too long they might give way. The banister on the stairs was loose and squeaky, Stefon was just about to knock again when the door opened.

“Stefon! Hey, what's up? Why are you crying?” Amber had opened the door, she had her black and purple dreads pulled back from her face. She obviously had been painting, an old paint covered graphic tee and baggy sweats, a paintbrush in hand.

Stefon launched himself into her arms, probably getting paint on himself, hugging her tight.

“Woah, what's wrong, buddy?” He heard David ask. David was sitting on their futon, he put his guitar down and made his way across the small room over to his brother.

Stefon let go of Amber, his eyes darting over to David, immediately going to hug his brother. “I told them. I shouldn't have told them, but I did and I fucked everything up.” He choked out, tears threatening to fall again.

David patted him on the back and looked over to Amber. “You told them?”

Stefon let go and looked between the couple. “Yeah, mom was shocked but she took it better than dad.”

“Come sit down, I'll make us some tea.” Amber moved the boys toward the futon, closing the door, and pulling the kettle out from the cabinet behind her in what looked like one swift motion. 

David led Stefon to the couch bed hybrid and sat down across from him, moving his guitar. “What happened? How'd they take it?”

Stefon wiped his nose before taking a deep breath. “Mom got a little upset, but she was really nice about. Dad said the most cliche, bullshit thing! He said,’I just need to find the right girl.’ And he got really angry and threw mom’s vase. You know that nice blue one she made on our trip to cancun? With the gold design on it?”

“Yeah, I do.” David put a sympathetic hand on Stefon’s shoulder.

“He threw it behind me and pieces went everywhere, he ran off angry, I helped mom pick up everything afterwards. She told me it was probably best if I left for a bit. When I was walking here, I found this in my neck.” Stefon showed the ceramic piece to David, who examined the fragment. Stefon started to breath heavily, as if reliving the moment just by telling it.

David noticed and looked Stefon in the eyes, who was trying to cover his face with his hands. “Hey, buddy! Look at me, look at me. It's gonna be okay. Mom loves you, and we love you, and everything’s gonna be okay. Dad’s an asshole.”

“He is.” Stefon stammered through breaths, trying to calm himself, and failing. 

“He was an asshole when we went to college, he’s a racist asshole towards Amber, and he's a homophobic asshole towards you. We don't need him in our lives.” David nodded his head as Stefon did, before pulling him into a hug.

Stefon let out a small sob into David’s shirt. “We don't!” Stefon let go of his brother, wiping his face with his sleeves.

“Let me get you some tissues.” David stood up, moving across the room, in between the tv and beanbag Stefon was sure would be his new bed.

“And a bandaid for this cut, please.” Stefon pointed to his neck.

“Course, man.” David disappeared into the smallest bathroom Stefon had ever seen, looking through the cabinet and sink drawers for tissues and a bandaid.

Amber shuffled over to Stefon, handing him a tea cup, setting her’s down at her painting corner next to the futon. “Oolong, I know you love it.”

“Thank you, Amby.” Stefon gave her a weak smile as he blew on the drink and took his first sip.

She turned her swivel chair back to her half finished painting, adding pink strokes to the dawn or dusk sky she was creating.

Stefon looked around the apartment, the brown door he had entered in from was painted on this side with tons of colors on it, by Amber probably. His eyes moved to the left of the door, you could not have the door open and open the fridge at the same time. The fridge was decorated with pictures of David and Amber and their friends. There was a picture of David, Amber, and Stefon at graduation. David and Amber dressed in their gowns, Stefon in normal clothes, throwing up a peace sign. 

Next to the fridge was an old stove and above the stove was a microwave that was always five seconds away from being broken. The sink was next to the stove, at the moment there were some paint brushes in there. His eyes moved to Amber’s chair and easel, which always seemed to have a new painting on it every time he was over. The paintings that hung on the walls were all her’s. Mostly landscapes with quotes. 

They changed the sheets on the futon Stefon noticed, since the last time he was here, it was usually purple, today it was a bright yellow. The futon was pushed into the corner, behind the window that looked out into the city. David’s guitar and Amber’s empty canvases lived under the window, a full, small trash can next to the beanbag that Stefon could probably touch with his foot without reaching too far. 

David made his way out of the closet of a bathroom and handed the tissues over. “I hope you don't mind, we only had these bandaids.” 

David showed him the band aids with Disney characters, some Stefon recognized as Disney princesses and Pixar characters, others that looked familiar but he couldn't place. 

“Thanks.” Stefon took one and undid the wrapping, placing the bandaid over his cut and putting the excess paper in the garbage.

“You know Stefon,” Amber turned her chair towards him, looking away from her painting,”You can stay here as long as you need to.” 

“Yeah, for as long as you need to.” David plopping down into the beanbag.

“You guys are the best.” Stefon smiled a genuine smile as he took a long gulp of his tea.

“How about we take your mind off things and go out tonight?” David suggested, pulling the guitar from under the window into his lap.

“I don't know.” Stefon started to protest as Amber cut him off.

“Oh yeah! We can go to a bar or a club, listen to music, dance, get your mind off of everything!” Amber smiled, wiping pink paint off of her fingers onto her pants.

Stefon looked down into his tea,”I mean, I guess. Sure, let's go to a bar!” Stefon smiled, looking up. 

“I'm gonna get ready.” Amber stood up from her chair and squinted at her painting before turning on her heel, cleaning out her brush and walking to the bathroom. 

David looked up from his guitar. “Do you wanna borrow one of my shirts since yours is covered in snot?”

Stefon let out a small chuckle. “Sure. Yeah, thanks. I guess sometime this week I can go pick up some stuff from the house.”

“Man, I'm sorry about dad. He's the worst. You shouldn't feel bad just because you’re you.” David plucked a few chords from his guitar. 

After the three had all changed, Amber had done her make up, and asked if Stefon wanted any. He said yes to some under the eye eyeliner and foundation. They made their way to a bar on fifth that looked like it had just been converted from a gym to a bar.

The three had ordered drinks, David had brought a notebook that he and Stefon had been writing in for what seemed forever. The brothers took turns writing dialogue and situations in the notebook, Amber writing in the margins, Stefon doodling her words into sketches of monsters and dogs.

After Amber had finished her fourth drink and given up suggesting things for their script, she started playing with Stefon’s short brown hair.

“I think you should get blonde highlights.” Amber sighed, her drinks straw between her teeth.

“Blonde highlights? Amby, I'm gay, not a twink.” Stefon giggled, his statement making both Amber and David laugh.

Stefon took a sip of whatever drink David had ordered him, and set his glass down as a man approached their table.

“Hello gentlemen, lady. I'm Shy. I wanted to give you this.” Shy smiled, taking a piece of paper from his pocket on his leather shirt and handing it to Stefon.

Stefon held out his hand and took the paper, looking it over. “Your number?”

“It’s also my card, better for business. I'll be at my table if you'd like to come over.” Shy winked and walked across the bar to his table.

Amber looked over Stefon’s shoulder to see his card. “Oooohhhh, he gave you his number!”

Stefon looked at the back, which read,”Shy Yenalum. Lawyer, Conceptual Piss Artist. I don't think I'm gonna go over there.” Stefon looked between the couple.

“Come on, man! You're out and proud!” David coerced, writing something down in their notebook.

“Again, Gay, not desperate.” Stefon pocketed Shy’s card.

“You said twink before.” Amber corrected him.

The younger man looked under his eyebrows at her,”Same thing.”

Stefon pulled at the sleeves of his brother's shirt, it wasn't as large as David seemed to be. Stefon imagined the shirt to swallow him whole, but in reality, they were about the same size. David usually only wore button downs, so to have a long sleeve shirt to go under Stefon’s shoulder length shirt was a miracle in its own right.

He looked over to his brother who had just laughed at a joke Amber told him, he quickly wrote down something to remember it. David looked up and smiled at his brother.

“Dude, everything is gonna be okay.” David assured Stefon. “To all of us.” David lifted his glass as the other two cheered along, downing their drinks.

Stefon downed the brown liquid, it burning the back of his throat. He closed his eyes and as he opened them he could hear his brother's alarm and he was staring up at their apartment ceiling.

“Shit…” Stefon squinted and looked around him. He was sleeping in the beanbag across from their futon, he looked out the window next to him and saw people walking on the sidewalk, cars already driving down their road. Well, driving as best they could in this standstill. 

“Morning Sleeping Beauty.” David was spooning cereal into his mouth.

“How long have I been out?” Stefon blinked, looking at his surroundings.

“Well,” David swallowed before taking a deep breath,”After we got your stuff, it was around three, so I think you passed out around four in the morning? So, six hours?”

Stefon looked around and above him, noticing his shelves above his head, full of his books, comic books, his lava lamp, and anti anxiety medication. Around and on him was his pillows and blankets. “We got my stuff?”

David nodded and got off the couch, crossing the room to the sink, cleaning his bowl and spoon. “Yeah, you suggested it after we left the bar-”

“I don't remember leaving the bar.” Stefon stated, standing up and looking at the shelves that used to be in his room.

“That explains a lot. Well, we got your shelves, and some stuff you really wanted, your meds. And we got some of your clothes and put them in the closet in the bathroom. And your shampoo, toothpaste, everything.” David pointed to the places everything was at. “Your laptop is next to mine under the futon.”

Stefon looked under the bed to see his laptop with tons of stickers on them next to his brothers plain laptop. “Thank you, awesome… Did I see dad?”

“Nah. You and Amber stayed downstairs in the lobby.” David leaned against the counter.

“Did you see dad?” Stefon questioned before picking up his medicine bottle.

“No, he was asleep. Mom was up, she says she loves us.” David pushed himself off the counter and leaned down to pull out his laptop.

“Okay. Um… I’m gonna need to refill my meds today. If that's okay with you?” Stefon examined the bottle, taking off the cap, and taking the last pill out.

“Of course, of course. Whatever you need to do. Amber’s at work until lunch, then she has to go to her second job until four. Today's my day off, I have a long day tomorrow. So today, we can hang out, watch tv, write, pick up your meds, whatever.” He explained, clicking through things on his laptop.

“Okay.” Stefon wandered over to the cabinets, opening them until he found the glasses, taking one and filling it with water from the tap. 

He looked down at the pill in his hand and popped it into his mouth and washed it down. He sat the glass down on the counter and opened the fridge, looking for something easy not to upset his stomach.

“Hey bro, if you have a hangover, there's a coffee place right down the street.” David mentioned as Stefon pulled an apple from one of the compartments and went to take a seat in the beanbag chair.

“I'm good.” Stefon took a bite from the apple and opened up his phone, seeing he had a text from that guy at the bar- Shy. 

“‘Hey Stefon, you were a really good dancer!’ I don't remember dancing with Shy.” Stefon read the text aloud and noted before touching his face.

David smirked,”Oh yeah, we all danced for a while. Man, you cannot take your liquor!”

Stefon started to text back,”Yeah, I guess not.”

“What are you gonna tell him?” David asked, deleting some spam emails.

“I'm not sure, maybe I don't want a piss artist for a boyfriend?” Stefon typed fast but deleted a few words. 

“He could just be your lawyer- Holy Fuck!” David stopped himself and sat up all the way to stare intently at his laptop.

Stefon looked up from his phone,”What? What's up?”

“Our script!” David let out a breathy chuckle as he looked at his brother,”Our script went through! They love our script, they wanna see us Monday!” 

“Oh my god!” Stefon jumped up and to his brother's side,”Brigadier or Isabella’s journey?”

“Isabella! Holy shit! I gotta call Amber, we need to get your meds, and then we are going to Scotty’s for a celebration!” David handed the laptop to Stefon, and bounced to his feet; taking out his cellphone and calling Amber’s work.

Stefon could barely hear the worker on the other side name the restaurant, Mike's crab shack? It doesn't matter, executive producer's liked their script!

“I need to talk to Amber! Thanks!” David exclaimed, jumping in place,”Babe! Our script went through! Stefon and my- our script! They want to see us Monday! Okay, thanks, we'll talk about it later! Love you, bye!”

Stefon read and reread the email over again and again. Executive producers at NBC liked their script! They were to meet them this Monday, at 9 a.m. at 30 Rock.

“We gotta edit and rewrite the ending, it's really is bad.” Stefon pointed as David continued to jump, before sitting down and giving his brother a hug.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! We’ll work on this all day, and pick up your meds on the way to Scotty’s! I gotta call Scotty!” David remembered, dialing his phone again. 

“Shit, I really need those pills now.” Stefon laughed, opening their script document and scrolling to the bottom. 

The day flew passed them and everything didn't hit Stefon until they were walking up to Scotty’s apartment building roof. He had his anxiety meds in hand, they had just got them not ten minutes ago. 

There were four other people on the roof, Stefon recognized Scotty and his roommate, Frank, but not the other guy and girl. All of them had either been smoking or were smoking, Stefon would cough, but their dad was an avid smoker, had been since the boy's were toddlers. David introduced everyone to everyone else, and it was a pretty shit party, Stefon concluded. He hadn't been to many, maybe two in highschool and one before he dropped out of college, but he knew when party's were shit. Still, there was beer, at least.

After a few hours, Stefon noticed he was the only one sober there, he was nursing his only beer, watching David take the lead, as he always did in conversations. 

“I wanna snort something, anybody got anything!” The only other girl besides Amber whined in a high pitched voice.

“Oh yeah!” David slurred, obviously drunk on what might've been his fifteenth beer,”Stefon’s got something, here!”

David grabbed the bottle from Stefon and threw it at the girl, who promptly dumped out the pills and started to crush them with her house keys. 

“What the fuck, David? That's all I have for the month! I need that!” Stefon almost yelled as the girl started to snort his Wellbutrin.

David giggled,”You'll be fine, loosen up, you never have any fun!” 

“Hey, if you need a substitute, I got some Unicorn mew-mew.” Scotty said before standing up, and getting the drug from his apartment.

“This isn't about me needing to have fun, this is about you taking my medicine and giving it to some girl I don't know, for no fucking reason!” Stefon pointed to the girl who was still snorting the crushed up blue powder.

“Buddy, chill, it's fine. We'll get you more.” David said, taking a swig of his beer.

“I don't think they're gonna allow that when we just got them, five hours ago!” Stefon was about to say something else, when Scotty got back with a zipped baggy full to the top with lime green triangular pills.

He held them out to Stefon,”Sorry about that man, it's free, and anything you need from me is free, cause of this.”

Stefon looked between David, the pill bag, and Scotty. David’s words rang in his ear. ‘You never have any fun. You never have any fun. You never have any fun.’ 

Stefon took a deep breath and took the bag from Scotty.


	2. Chapter 2

Twelve-forty seven p.m. Lunch time.

That's when Stefon woke up. More importantly, that's when David called Stefon to come into work. 

It had been a month since the pill accident, which was water under the bridge, David did stupid stuff when he got drunk. Or so they agreed, but Stefon held a slight grudge he didn’t want anyone to see. Stefon now had his anxiety medication and the weird little green pills David’s old college buddy gave him. Stefon had been taking both recently, and they've helped with loosening up and being more outgoing. Or just going out more. 

Stefon took his pills, downed them with water and ate some cheese. He walked over to the bathroom and side stepped between the closet and toilet. He threw on some clothes as fast as possible, since he was technically late to work. 

“Shit.” Stefon looked into the mirror, he probably should've brushed his teeth and then took his medicine and then ate. No matter, he brushed his teeth and fussed with his hair for a bit. Amber had convinced him to get the blonde highlights and he actually liked them a lot. 

Stefon checked his phone for the time, he needed to leave three hours ago. He pushed himself out of the bathroom, and grabbed his laptop and cord from under the futon. 

‘I’ll take a shower tonight’ He decided, grabbing his keys and I.D. badge that hung on the key rack across from the fridge. 

Stefon closed the door behind him as he walked out and turned off the lights, locking up and running down the stairs. 

Later, rather than sooner, he made it to 30 Rock, showing his badge to officials, getting in the elevator, surrounded by executives and actors he didn't know the names of.

“What floor?” One of the actors asked, each person said their number.

“Eight.” Stefon noticed the actor already pushed it for himself.

At almost every stop someone got off or on, and at floor eight was where most people got on or off. Stefon went to his right as the actor went to his left, making a sharp turn into studio 8H.

Stefon went to their shared office, which felt even smaller than their apartment, and opened the door to see his brother typing away at his laptop and computer, back and forth.

“Hi.” Stefon said in a breathy voice, like a scared child. He sat his stuff down on his side of the room, the left. He looked out the windows and even on the eighth floor, they were never high enough to see the skyline, unless they craned their neck sideways and upward to barely see the other side of the street building top.

“Hey, so, we have rewrites today and we have to talk to some producers down the hall.” David was typing something and immediately erased it.

“Cool.” Stefon plugged his laptop cord into the outlet and his laptop and started working just like David did. 

The brothers had their backs toward each other, but both turned every so often to talk to each other and give notes. 

“No, I think she's spending too much time at the cafè, she needs to do something else. She needs to live outside of the scenes we give her.” David remarked, pointing at Stefon’s laptop as he pushed off his own desk and swiveled in his chair.

“I know, I just think she needs to talk more to the homeless guy so it makes more of an impact when he dies. Not only to her, but to the audience.” Stefon countered, turning towards David. 

“But Isabella-” David was cut off by his alarm beeping,”We gotta go see the executives.”

“Okay, what's their names again?” Stefon picked up some papers, David picking up his laptop.

“Um…” David checked his notes,”Thomas Williams and Bonnie Hammer.”

“Her name is not Bonnie Hammer!” Stefon covered his mouth and nose with his hands, papers tucked under his arm.

David laughed as he opened their office door, letting Stefon go out first. “It is, though.”

“Her name is Bonnie Hammer! It's like that thing where the Brawny man and the H.G. Hammer company had a one night stand, and they had a baby and named her the most obvious thing in the world!” Stefon talked fast, making himself and his brother laugh as they walked past the elevators and towards the other side of the hallway. 

“Okay, we're gonna film the rehearsal for Weekend Update, so give us that late night energy, everybody!” Stefon’s attention was turned to a man telling an audience about filming, who clapped and hollered in response. Stefon looked around and right in front of him where cameras facing the Weekend Update set, and the two actors sitting behind the desk. 

“Oh my god,” Stefon grabbed David by the shirt sleeve and pulled him back to where he stopped. “That’s Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers!” 

David gasped and saw the two actors, already going through jokes, crossing some out of the script that the audience didn't like.

“Oh yeah, Seth took over for Tina a while back, crazy.” David looked between his brother and the actors.

“They're amazing, Seth is-” Stefon caught himself from saying what his mind told him to say, putting his hands over his mouth again.

“You should say hi sometimes when he's not busy.” David smirked, pointing to Seth, who had put his pencil behind his ear.

Stefon’s eyes widened as he looked at his brother,”No! They're super busy, all the time.” 

David chuckled, walking toward the executives office, leaving Stefon.

Stefon heard the tail end of a joke Seth told, everyone laughing, then the joke turning to Amy. Seth took the pencil from behind his ear and checked something on his script. Stefon noticed Seth wasn't wearing his usual Weekend Update garb, he was wearing his white button down, but the sleeves were buttoned at his elbows. His red tie was loose and he wasn't wearing a blazer. Amy looked just like she did on Update, but her blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

Stefon shook his head and walked towards his brother, who opened the door for him, into the executive's office.

“Hi, I'm Thomas L. Williams.” The older man held out his hand for the boy's to shake.

“And I'm Bonnie Hammer.” The woman smiled, Stefon bit back a laugh, remembering his joke from earlier.

“This is my brother Stefon, and I'm David Zolesky.” David took both of their hands to shake, Stefon lifting a his and saying,”Hi.”

After the meeting, Stefon and David walked back to their office, Stefon with twice as many papers this time. David didn't stop to look into studio 8H, Stefon did, seeing a different sketch going on, Seth and Amy standing behind the camera, going over scripts. Seth ran his fingers through his fading blonde hair, looking behind him at the sketch, crossing out a few lines from the script and handing it over to Amy. Stefon bit his bottom lip, moving his feet passed the elevators and back to their office.

David had already sat back down at his desk, typing away at his laptop. Stefon sat the papers down on his desk, then walking over to David, leaning over him and pointing to a specific line. 

“I think we should save this line for the scene when Isabella’s alone at home after the funeral.” Stefon looked at David for confirmation.

“I was thinking the exact same thing.” David exhaled, sharply.

They finished rewriting a few scenes, and soon it was five thirty, the end of their work day. Their usual ride on the metro wasn't as tedious as Stefon thought, they walked to their apartment building, and up to their room. The brothers put their keys and badges on the key hooks. David took five steps from the door to Amber’s easel, where Amber was painting a golden wheat field in front of her blue and pink sky. He kissed her on the head, moving to the couch, and putting his laptop under it, along with his shoes. 

Stefon did the same, but instead of kissing Amber, hugging her. “Hey, that looks great!” Stefon’s voice raising an octave, taking his shoes off and putting them next to his laptop, and then charging his phone next to his beanbag.

“Thank you! This is almost done and I can send it in the mail, probably Monday.” Amber noted, dipping her fan paint brush into a mixture of yellow and gold paint.

Stefon moved over to the kitchen, taking out a box of macaroni, and a pot, filling it halfway with water and putting it on the stove. “How much do you get from this one?” 

Amber turned to face Stefon, who was putting salt and pepper in the pot, and turning the stove on. “Two hundred! Usually it's one fifty or one seventy-five for this size of the canvas, but shipping costs more.” 

“Great! How many more commissions do you have?” Stefon put the lid on the pot, opening the fridge, getting out the milk and butter.

“Three more, all big canvases, so it'll be more money and I can make a dent in rent this month.” Amber turned to David,”How was work, babe?”

David yawned,”Great, actually! We fixed some scenes, and talked to executive producer's.” 

Amber’s eyes widened as she smiled. “What'd they say?”

Stefon laughed as he cut up butter into chunks. “They really like the script, and they seem to like us. They really love David. Especially Brawny Hammer.”

“Stefon,” David laughed, looking through their notebook, then at Amber,”Her name is Bonnie Hammer and she's very sweet and old.” 

Stefon rolled his eyes, taking the lid off the pot, checking to see if it had boiled yet, it hadn't. He moved over to the television, turned it on, changing the channel to a music station, then dancing back to the counters.

They listened to music, song after song, as Stefon made boxed Mac and cheese, Amber signed her painting at the corner, and cleaned her brushes out in the bathroom sink, not to disturb Stefon’s cooking. David wrote on sticky notes and stuck them all over their notebook, lying on his back, legs propped up. After a while, Stefon scooped Mac and cheese into three small bowls, giving one to Amber and David; then sitting in his beanbag, eating his own bowl.

He took their bowls back after they were done and started to clean their dishes, letting the pot soak. He turned to the couple with a mischievous look on his face.  
“We should go out.” 

“Where?” Amber had moved next to David, who had his arm around her. 

Stefon walked over to his corner, taking some rings off his shelf, and putting them on his fingers. “I’m thinking a club near fourth, just opened, Shy’s girlfriend works there, we can get in for free.”

Amber got out of her seat and moved over to Stefon,”Only if you let me do makeup on both of you!”

“Deal!” Stefon clapped his hands together, in delight.

“What about me, don’t I get a deal?” David smiled, spralling out on the couch.

Stefon looked around his shelves for anything to trade for a night out, picking up the baggy with the green pills, showing them to David. “How about we all take one?” Stefon moved his tongue to his top lip, raising his eyebrows.

”Fine, let’s go.” David stood up, clapping his hands to his legs, the three taking one pill; Stefon pocketing the baggy.

After Amber finished her own makeup, she moved onto Stefon, giving him a winged eyeliner. Stefon changed into a white shirt with long sleeves and a short sleeve black shirt with gold lettering of estúpido. He kept his black pants on and put on his black calf boots. Amber gave David shimmery pink eyeshadow with a blue lip, but he stayed in his blue jeans and plaid button down. Amber changed into a black mini shirt with a red crop top and gold jewelry. David wiped off his blue lipstick before they left, Amber protesting but doing nothing of it, they got on the metro and made their way to the club on fourth. 

“Who names a place Flask?” David asks, following Stefon and Amber, who snaked past people on their way to the bar.

“Who names their second son, Stefon?” Stefon turned, his eyes roaming over the crowd on the dance floor.

The club was covered in mirrors, but the ceiling and floor was black tile. Everything was open except for a few beams keeping the building sturdy. Random things littered the floor, cups, jackets, bracelets, heels, wrappers, bottles. The mirrors where dirty, full of handprints, lipstick stains, beer and drink spills. The DJ was playing a song that was mostly bass, almost forcing everyone to jump, if on command. The lights changed color constantly, blues, pinks, greens, and reds. The room seemed bigger because of the mirrors, but the bar looked endless. Stefon leaned against said bar, looked out into the crowd that always kept moving.

Amber said something, but Stefon couldn’t catch her words over the drums in the song playing. He moved into the crowd as David and Amber stayed at the bar, ordering outlandish drinks for themselves. Stefon danced into the center of the room, a shirtless man with silver, skin tight pants, and leather bracelets dragged his fingertips across Stefon’s arm. The man motioned for him to move closer, Stefon obliged, their eyes locked. 

For courage, he took another pill from his pocket and dry swallowed it; the next thing he realized, he was pounding drinks, racing David and Amber through shots. Next he was putting on goggles and gloves, throwing things in the back room, full of broken glass. Shy was there, with his girlfriend, passing out artwork and white pills. Stefon took the pills and got away from the artwork as soon as possible.  


Everything was a blur, loud music, flashing lights, Stefon could still hear the beat in his ears as he flopped into his beanbag back at the apartment. The room was dark, but he could make out David and Amber on the futon, passed out. Stefon looked around him, he saw his old green pills and all the new ones he collected in his bag and as quietly as he could, placed them on the bottom shelf above his head. He took off his boots and rubbed his feet, he felt like he'd been dancing for a decade. He noticed a number and the name Michael on his hand, he rubbed his palm on the side of his pants until the ink wiped off. Stefon found his phone in his pocket, plugged it into the charger. The bright light flashed on, momentarily making him squint in pain. It was five in the morning. His shower would have to wait for tomorrow.

It was moment's like this he missed his old room, he had a bed. And his bed wasn't three steps away from the wires of the television. And the cords weren't in dangerous proximity to the kitchen sink. That was something he missed about his old room, it wasn't next to the loudest and smelliest fridge in the world. He missed waking up and hearing mom make breakfast. He definitely did not miss breakfast with his parents, especially after he dropped out of college. His mind drifted to his parents. Margaret and David Sr. Zolesky, blue collar, best of the best.

“They probably fucking hate me.” Stefon coughed out, making sure not to wake up the couple, but he probably wouldn't due to David’s snoring.

Stefon took a slow, deep breath, staring out the window. ‘I go out all the time, I drink and take drugs. I barely have any friends and the ones I do mostly wear leather or are my family.’ Stefon thought, his eyes wandering back to David and Amber.

‘I wonder if dad hates me more for dropping out or for coming out… probably both.’ Stefon exhaled sharply out his nose, his thoughts would always turn to this if he stayed awake too long. 

‘I’m smart, I don't need college. I’m a writer at NBC. I don't need dad, all I need is Amber and David, and I'm doing all right. Right?’ He pulled his old blankets over him and moved to his side, staring out the window.

“I’m gay and that's great!” Stefon accidentally whispered out loud, before clapping his hands over his mouth.

“Yeah, it is.” Stefon’s attention was taken from the window towards the futon. He saw Amber, lifting her body up, moving the dreads from her face.

“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up!” Stefon looked worried, talking through his fingers.

Amber got up and maneuvered around David, sitting down on the floor next to Stefon. “You didn't. I've never seen you so happy before. You're usually so quiet.”

Stefon offered her part of the covers, which she took. “Yeah, I am. I don't know, I've been trying out stuff lately. Try to have more fun, like David said.”

“Are you doing all this for yourself or are you doing this to prove something?” Amber whispered, moving Stefon’s hair from his face.

“I'm…” Stefon stopped his train of thought and jumped onto new tracks. “I'm doing this for me.” 

“Well, good. You're like a brother to me, and I'm happy you're happy. And David is still upset over the pills.” Amber mumbled out, her eyes drooping.

“No, no, I told you guys,” He looked at his snoring brother,“Everything's fine. I'm fine.” Stefon gave Amber a side hug, she curled into his side.

“Good.” She yawned, closing her eyes and not opening them, her breathing evening out.

“I'm fine.” Stefon looked out the window as the sun started to rise.


	3. Chapter 3

Stefon liked writing feelings, he always had. He liked forcing himself to rely on memories to make a scene feel real. If he wanted fondness, he'd think of his first kiss. His name was George and they were studying for a history test, Stefon had had a crush on George for months, and George kissed him back. If he wanted wonder, he'd think of when he first looked up between the buildings of his childhood home and everything looked so big and tall, and it still does. If he wanted excitement or happiness, he'd think of when he and David skipped school and went to that amusement park. 

“You know that place with the Russian dolls, the big swing, and the loud rock music we went to back in Junior year?” Stefon counted on his fingers, then looked over his shoulder to his brother in their office, who was typing away at his computer.

David furrowed his brow and turned to Stefon, barely taking his eyes of the screen. “Waldorf FunLand? Why do you ask?”

“Oh!” Stefon turned his chair, basically looking at the back of David’s head. “Right! I forgot the name! I'm rewriting Isabella’s date scene with Nadia and I needed inspiration.”

“From us going to a shitty, broken amusement park back in highschool? Aren't they on a picnic?” David questioned, exasperated with typing and retyping.

“Yes’um! But I remember going on that old rollercoaster and I need that feeling of excitement, but anxiety for their dialogue.” Stefon explained, gesturing wildly, his hands shaking.

David cocked his head to the side, like a confused puppy. “Stefon, are you okay?”

“Doing great! So we have a meeting with casting directors today? That's exciting!” Stefon detoured, moving back towards his desk.

David didn't seem to mind, turning back to his screen as well,”Yeah. Nothing too special, they're just gonna read the script, we'll talk rewrites we still need to do, and who we see for specific parts.”

“Ohhh, I'd like to see Mindy Kaling for Nadia!” Stefon looked down at his shaking hands, holding them, trying to stop their vibrating.

“If we could get her, that'd be nice. They'll probably just cast a lot of NBC actors.” David blinked hard, he'd been staring at the screen for too long. 

Stefon got up and started pacing, to distract himself from his shaking hands. “Yeah, probably. What if- what if they don't like it?”

“They're the casting directors, not producers, they kinda have to like it.” David chuckled.

“What if- what if they don't like me?” Stefon stuttered out, wringing his hands together.

David turned to face his brother again. “Stefon, it's gonna be okay, what's wrong, man?”

“Everything's fine!” Stefon’s voice raised as he started touching his face.

“Everything's not fine,” David got out of his chair and tried to stop Stefon from pacing. “Look at me, what's wrong? What happened? You were fine a second ago.”

Stefon’s eyes darted around the room, for anything to keep his focus on. “I don't know.”

“Did you take your medicine today?” David clasped his hands over Stefon’s for a moment before his hands broke free, going back to his face, fidgeting.

“Yeah.” The shorter man blinked multiple times, looking left to right, before landing on his shoes. “I feel sick.”

“Do you wanna go home? I can go to the meeting by myself, tell them you got sick, which isn't far from the truth, you're sweating like crazy.” David put his hand to Stefon’s forehead, then wiping it on his jeans.

Stefon shook his head viciously. “No, I'll be fine! Everything’s fine!” 

“Stefon, you need to go home. Lie down, calm down. Figure out why you're acting like this.” David brought his brother's head upward so they were looking in each other's eyes. “Okay?”

“Okay. Okay… yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Thank you. I'll see you later.” Stefon wiggled his way out of his brother's grip, only grabbing his badge and keys, forgetting his laptop. 

“See you later, take care of yourself!” Stefon heard David say as he raced towards the elevators, pushing the down button multiple times, as if it would make the elevator get to him faster. 

He looked around at the hallway, that usually was always over populated, was now only occupied by certain people. Actors, costume designers, and make up artists. 

“Oh right.” Stefon mumbled under his breath, it was Saturday. 

As the elevator opened to him, a few people in business suits walked out, all turning to their left and walking down the long hallway. Stefon rushed inside the elevator, clutching his keys, he turned and pushed the floor one button. He looked side to side, as if checking, he realized this was the first time ever, in the time that he'd work there, he'd ever been alone on these elevators. He tried to calm his breathing as the machine went down, but to no avail. As he stepped off the elevator and into the main lobby, his body reacted in a way Stefon could only describe as ‘run away.’ He resisted, went to the main desk, checked out his badge and tried to walk at a normal pace. There was a long line of people waiting on the sidewalk outside, all of them hoping to get last second tickets to tonight's show. He shook his head and tried to walk past them, bumping into people, saying sorry when his vocal chords let him. 

The walk, then ride on the subway, then walk home was just as stressful, trying to maneuver around everyone, trying not to disturb certain people. He walked up the long staircase, leading to their apartment, holding onto the wobbly railing the entire time. If he hadn't, he assumed he might as well fall. Fumbling with his keys, he unlocked the door, walking into the room. He hung up his keys and badge, and immediately flopped onto the futon.

“FUCK!” His yell was slightly muffled by the cushions. He lifted his head and looked around him. Amber’s painting were all gone, Saturday's were when she would sell her paintings at the local park where artists would sell their art pieces for lower prices, just to get any money for them. 

His eyes moved to his corner, his pills on the shelves. He'd taken his anxiety meds today, but not all the other pills his body was now accustomed to. He really wanted to try to quit, but days like this would happen, and he couldn't function. He huffed and pushed himself off the futon and towards the pills. His hands shaking, he grabbed the bag, pulling out the multicolored pills and dropping them into his mouth. He held them there for a second before shuffling to the kitchen sink, dunking his head under the spicket; turning it on, filling his mouth with water and swallowing the weird concoction. As he turned the sink off and wiped his face, he could feel his heart rate already dropping. He looked around, trying to find anything that would distract him for the moment. He looked under the window at the empty canvases Amber had, he spotted a tiny one, barely as big as his torso. He grabbed it and put it on Amber’s empty easel. 

He found her paints around her easel and picked up a few, having no plan, he opened them and squeezed out paints on her palette, picking one of her many brushes and dipping it into the black paint. He covered the entire canvas in black paint, and as it dried, he used a flat brush with tons of different shades of blues, a rich purple, and a light pink to blend with the drying black. Stefon would call this method melting, there was probably a name to this, or he just created a new painting technique, he decided. He dragged his brush up and down, mixing colors in a downwards motion, leaning to the right. At the top, you could see the black peeking through, but as you got more to the bottom, it was all light blues and pink. 

Acrylics didn't take that long to dry, Stefon found out. He cleaned out the two brushes he used in the kitchen sink, using techniques he'd seen Amber use. Beating them against the side of the sink and then pinching the brush top so it would retain its shape. Stefon turned to his painting and gazed at it for a moment. He put away some of the paints and took out the color white. Taking the smallest brush Amber had, he barely touched the brush to the color, then delicately started to form a circle in the top center of the canvas. It was this moment when Stefon realized his hands were no longer shaking. 

After he filled in the white circle, he moved down to the middle of the painting, and started to create crystals out of a deep blue. He mixed the dark blue with a tad of black and used a larger brush to make the floor, going all the way down the canvas. He added pink highlights on the crystals, and made more crystals going down, almost creating a pathway out of negative space.

When Stefon decided to start making dinner, he got a text from David, which read ‘Out with Amber for date, you have the place to yourself.’ He nodded, looking through the cabinets for anything he might stomach. He found a soup can, and shrugged as he put the contents into a bowl, microwaving it by the directions. Trying not to burn his hands, he left the bowl to sit for a moment, turning on the t.v.

“Guess I can watch them.” Stefon mumbled out the side of his mouth, the channel changing to NBC.

He tested the bowl with his fingertips, it was now safe to hold, he picked it up and moved to the couch. Stefon zoned out during the cold open as he ate and drank his soup. 

His attention was brought back by the real opener, announcing the cast, the host, and musical guest,“Fred Armisen, Will Forte, Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph!”

As he bit into a chunk of celery, he checked his phone for the time, eleven thirty-five,”Oh shit!” 

He hurriedly ate as much soup as he could, bringing the bowl to the kitchen sink, then dumping it out.

“Featuring: Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson, and Kristen Wi-” Stefon turned the t.v. off, removing his shirts as he opened the door to the bathroom. 

He turned the shower on, wiggling out of his pants, kicking them off into the laundry basket. He touched the water with his hand, testing it. When he decided on the right temperature, he stepped in the shower, rotating in the small space. The shower was just a bit too short, the faucet leaked, the shower head had to be pointed in a certain position to work at all; Stefon truly hated it, but at least they had a shower.

A half an hour passed before Stefon got out of the shower, he towelled off, and got ready. After he got dressed, he started blow drying his hair, then brushing his teeth. He looked in the mirror one last time before turning on his heel and walking out the bathroom. He grabbed his keys and pocketed his phone and wallet, heading out the door. 

This new club he heard about was a few blocks away from their apartment. Stefon hoped this one stayed open longer than four days, especially with how close it was. As he made his way to the club, he looked at the building, which had the word ‘Luna’ spray painted on it. At first he thought it was graffiti, but then realized that Luna was the name of the club, and that was their sign.

He walked passed the bouncer, who gave him a thumbs up before entering, and into the building. The inside was painted bright neon colors, with posters of old movies all over the walls. There was a wall of multicolored beads separating the bar area from the dance floor, which was packed with people. Stefon could make out faces he recognized from other clubs, dancing and jumping to loud music in another language. He strolled up to the bar and looked around for any sign or inkling of a menu, either physical or on the walls. Finding out that, no, there wasn't one, he flagged down the bartender.

“Hi, I was wondering if you have anything good tonight?” Stefon talked to the bartender, but looked away from her, over to the bottles of liquor behind her.

“Considering we just opened, probably not. I'll get you a ‘Grace Alley and Laurence.’ Sound good?” The woman had a thick, Brooklyn accent.

“Great, thank you.” He hummed out, tapping his fingers on the bar.

She took out a small shot glass and filled it with a blue drink,”I'm Deb, nice to meet ya acquaintance.” She got a larger glass from under the bar, and two different yellow liquors behind her and poured them into the larger glass.

“Stefon.” He watched her fluid movements as she added a clear, fizzy liquid, which made the drink bubble.

“Here's your Grace Alley,” She handed him the larger, yellow drink,”And your Laurence.” And the small, blue drink.

Stefon furrowed his eyebrows. “Is there a special way to drink this?

Deb nodded. “Oh yeah, put the Grace Alley on the bar, drop the Laurence into it, and try to drink it all before the colors mix to green.”

“Can I do that but just watch it turn green and then drink it?” Stefon questioned, putting both drinks down.

“You're your own person and I barely know you. Of course you can.” Deb smiled, and started making a drink for a lady that stood next to Stefon.

Stefon smiled, doing so, watching the drink transform green. “So, how much?” 

“Five bucks, but for ten I can throw in a vicodin?” Deb gave another drink to a different person. “Whaddya say?”

He took a sip of his drink, thinking it over, David’s words of having fun echoing in his head. “Sure, yeah, ten.” He pulled out his wallet from his back pocket, taking out a ten dollar bill and handing it to Deb.

As soon as she took it, it seemed to disappear in her hands, and replaced by the white pill, which she handed to Stefon. 

“Thank you, um…” He had trouble deciding what to do with it.

“You can let it dissolve in your drink, if you want.” Deb was shaking a whip cream can and spraying it on top of a different drink.

“Oh, uh, okay.” He dropped the pill in the drink, watching it dissolve, he picked it up and tried to walk to the dancefloor.

“Oh, I wouldn't do that with a drink!” Deb warned, Stefon stopping on the spot and turning back to her. “Too much jumping, it'll spill. Too many unicorn men out tonight.”

Stefon looked confused as he chugged his drink down,”Unicorn men?”

Deb pointed into the crowd. “The guy in front is shirtless and has on heels, and he's followed by a conga line of men in fringe that's painted silver.”

“What makes them unicorns?” He questioned, the dissolved pill going into his mouth.

“Let's just say their horn isn't on their heads, ya know?” Deb smirked, wiping down the bar.

“I… Yeah, okay.” Stefon finished his drink, almost slamming it down, Deb taking it, and cleaning it out.

“Have fun!” She said as Stefon walked through the beads, them jingling behind him. 

He moved to the beat, shaking from side to side, trying his best to fit in to his surroundings. He finally let go of a breath he didn't know he was holding, relaxing to the loud noises around him. People and lights whizzed by him as he danced, the world melting away from him. A few hours passed before his ankles started to hurt, and his buzz started to wear off. He rubbed his eyes as he moved forcibly out of the crowd, passed the beads and outside. He shivered, holding himself as the cold air hit him. Now Stefon was super happy this club was so close to his apartment. 

He basically stared at his feet the whole walk home, to balance himself. It was like he was on autopilot the entire time, even as he unlocked the apartment door, hanging his keys up. He finally looked up when hearing David’s snoring. It's familiar, but not too familiar, living with his brother and Amber. His eyes landed on the small painting he created, which looked exactly the same, except for a sticky note on the top corner.

‘This looks fantastic! You need to get back into art! You should sign it! -A’ Amber wrote in cursive, her penmanship neat and tiny.

A small smile crept onto his face as he took the note and put it on his shelf that held most of his old art supplies. He slid across the floor, not to wake the two up; he picked up some white paint and the tiny brush from before and signed the bottom right corner with an S.Z. He cleaned the brush out as quietly as possible, then returning it to it's home. He undressed and dressed in pajamas, scratching and rubbing at areas that clothes squeezed too tight. 

He picked up an old notebook which had a pen tethered to it, and got comfy in his beanbag bed. He started to sketch out a person he danced with at the club, Stefon couldn't remember their face or body type, but remembered how they moved and flowed against him. His consciousness started to waiver, dropping his pen, his eyes finally closed, falling asleep.

Stefon never remembered his dreams, but he always remembered his nightmares. As morning broke, he was awoken by Amber’s singing in the shower. He looked down around him at his notebook and drawing he doesn't recognize. His eyes moved to the easel that was now empty, above the bed, someone had hung his painting on the wall next to Amber’s.

“That looks really great man, Amber wouldn't stop talking about when we got home.” Stefon’s attention was turned to David, who was making breakfast.

“Thanks.” Stefon smiled a genuine smile as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Usually, as soon as Stefon and David got off the elevator, they took a right to their office. But today, they made a beeline towards the snack-kitchen area near studio 8H. Their lives had become more hectic in the past months, revising their script, meeting with producers and casters, even some directors. David had been doing double duty as writer and producer, but Stefon was still waiting for the promotion, he was sure wouldn’t come. He was fine with that, of course, but it still stung that the higher ups didn’t see him like they saw his brother. On busy mornings like this, they never had time for breakfast, so it was always good to have a snack bar close by. The snack bar was always full, the only time it was ever rarely empty was on friday nights and all of Saturday’s. There was always an assortment of baked goods and fruit, mostly in the mornings, and throughout the rest of the day there were finger foods you’d usually find at receptions.

David picked up a coffee pot, out of the three on the table, and a styrofoam cup, and poured the drink into his cup. “You got in late last night.”

Stefon smiled, the tip of his tongue meeting his top teeth. “Yeah, meet a guy, got lucky.” He picked up a bagel and looked around for a spread to place on it.

“You know the guy?” David looked up from tearing into three sugar packets. “Like, do you see him around a lot at those clubs you go to?”

“No, I don’t even remember him.” Stefon found some peanut butter and a plastic knife and was fixing his bagel.

David chuckled, adding milk to his coffee, stirring it with a tiny straw. “Good job.”

“More like blowjob! Aye-oh!” Stefon laughed out, putting his hand up for a high five.

David shook his head as he laughed, high fiving his brother, then taking his coffee to the office. Stefon stayed behind, smearing peanut butter on his bagel, searching for more things to eat. David walked, taking two lefts to get to their office, opening the ajar door with his foot. He stirred his coffee, looking up to see a man rummaging through his desk.

“Excuse me?” David cautiously set his coffee cup on the filing cabinet next to his desk. “What are you doing in our office?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, we need some paper for the copier, we ran out down the hall.” The man straightened his back, pulling his hands to his body.

“No, it’s fine, you’re Seth Meyers!” David chuckled, going over to Stefon’s desk and taking some blank paper from under a pile. “Here you go.”

Seth forced a laugh as David handed him the paper, ”I am, nice to meet you!”

David shuffled past him, picking his coffee cup back up, turning to the shorter man. “David, nice to meet you too! My family and I are such big fans!”

Seth rubbed the back of his neck with his hand as he started walking towards the door. “Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you for watching the show! Are you a new writer for late night? They keep pushing all the new writers closer and closer to our writers.”

“Oh!” David fumbled with the question, absolutely starstruck with Seth,”Oh no, my brother and I are writing a movie and Lorne gave us the smallest office they had, which is literally between the writers for late night and you guys.”

“Haha! Yeah, he always does that, something about testing people. He’s a really great man, but he loves putting pressure on people to see if they can take it.” Seth started to walk backwards into the hallway.

“I’ve heard! I’ve only talked to him once, and Stefon’s never even talked to him.” David picked up his coffee, blowing on it before taking a sip.

Seth cocked his head to the side in confusion. “Stefon?”

David moved the cup from his lips hastily,”My brother.” He moved the cup back to his mouth, the coffee needed to be stirred more, he thought.

“Interesting name! Well, see you around!” Seth started to jog down the hallway, taking a left after he passed a few offices.

David shook his head as he walked to his desk, sitting down and started to get to work. It wasn’t long when Stefon walked into their office with his bagel, two packets of combos, a bottle of water, and some energy bars. He closed the door behind him, setting everything down on his desk, and taking his seat. He bit into his peanut butter bagel as he started typing with his left hand, his fingers contorting back and forth on the keyboard. He made his way to the main documents that the script and it’s planning was on. As he moved his hand to delete a few letters, his right hand instinctively moved towards the keyboard, but he stopped himself before any food got on the buttons. He took big bites of his bagel, trying to eat it as fast as possible, so he could use both his hands. They stayed silent the next few hours, the only noises were the clicking of their keyboards. Stefon felt himself getting bored with the words on the screen, he started erasing and rewriting whole paragraphs, feeling dissatisfied with what he created. By the time he had rewritten four whole pages at least twice, it was time for their lunch break. David slapped him on the shoulder, getting his attention, as he walked out of their office. Stefon looked at his desk, he noticed all the empty food wrappers and water bottle scattered around, he didn’t remember eating them. 

“You coming?” Stefon heard his brother question from the hallway.

“Yeah, yeah.” He looked down at his lap and then back up around him,”Be right there!”

Almost as soon as Stefon got out of his seat, he was eating across from his brother in the cafeteria. David was ranting and raving about a meeting Stefon wasn’t invited to, mostly due to the executives not liking Stefon and how introverted he was. Teachers did that to Stefon all the time back in high school. Most comments usually started out with ‘You have so much potential, if only you applied yourself more’ or ‘Your brother is doing so well in this class, why can’t you?’ And then the same from their father. ‘Why can’t you be more like David?’ ‘David stayed in college, why’d you drop out?’ It wasn’t like Stefon wasn’t smart, far from it, David would say all the time how Stefon was the brains of their duo. Stefon himself knew he was smart, innovative, a good writer. He just felt emotions in a different way than David, and maybe that was why they reacted differently to college. David wasn’t the star quarterback or on any sports team, he was a guy that double majored in music theory and writing. Stefon majored in writing and minored in acting. He could hold himself on stage, he was the lead in a few performances, side characters in some. Stefon knew how to feel, and crazy hours with writing and acting tears at the brain. He always had some form of anxiety, Stefon couldn’t think of a time he didn’t. It was around highschool his depressive thoughts started. Mostly from bullying, and the way everyone except David and their mother treated him. That’s why Stefon liked Amber, they treated each other as equals, even David seemed to think of him as a ‘little’ brother to take care of. Stefon was happy he had David to shield him from the outside world, but sometimes he shielded him so much Stefon wouldn’t see light. At college, the constant reminder of perfection, and hectic schedule hurt-

“Did I tell you what happened this morning?” Stefon was taken out of his trance of a downward spiral of thoughts as he bit into his sandwich, David taking his attention.

Stefon talked through the bread in his mouth,”No, you didn’t.” Stefon could feel the harsh corners of unchewed lettuce down his throat from swallowing too fast

“I met Seth Meyers!” David’s eyes widened, leaning, almost whispering like he told a secret in third grade.

“What?!?” Stefon’s brows furrowed, the opposite corners going up at the action, his mouth going from a small circle to showing tons of teeth in a brief, fluid motion.

“He was in our office, he needed paper for the copier, so I gave him some of your doodle paper. Is that okay?” David asked, picking up his Diet Coke, and taking a swig of it.

“Of course that’s okay!” Stefon felt as if he staged whispered to his brother, leaning across the table. “What did he say? What was he wearing? What are the colors of his damn eyes, give me the details that Stefon craves!”

David snorted into his soda, as Stefon started hitting the table with his hands. “He asked if we were writers for Late Night, I told him no and we’re making a movie.”

“Did you tell him you have a hot, gay brother that really thinks he’s a great actor, and very handsome, and would not mind blowing him sometime?” Stefon started to laugh at his own joke.

“Yeah, no.” David was hiding his laughter behind the can, trying to not draw attention to themselves. “I did not tell Seth Meyers, snl cast member, I have a gay brother that would like to do him. I don’t think that came up naturally in conversation.”

Stefon smiled, smugly, his right hand grazing over his mouth. “You forgot hot. I said gay and hot. You can’t forget to say that, next time you see Seth Meyers, since you’re obviously best friends now-”

“Oh, are we?” David lifted himself to lean towards Stefon now.

“Yes, best friends, and you’re gonna play tennis together on one of those, um, fancy tennis courts.” Stefon started counting on his hand, his right pointer finger navigating his other left fingers. “And you’re gonna go to a ski lodge, and Seth Meyers will sprain his ankle, and poor Stefon here will have to nurse him back to health.”

“Oh no! My best friend, I can’t believe he’s such a horrible skier!” David joked, egging Stefon on to improvise more.

“He really is! And it will take…” His eyes fluttered as he looked up at the ceiling, trying to decide on an appropriate time measurement. “Two weeks-”

“Two weeks for a sprained ankle?!? He must have a sprained ankle and a deer must’ve got him out in the snow, just bucked him with those horns and he bleed from his side!” David interrupted, his statement making Stefon laugh, both of their shoulders shaking.

Stefon tried to pick up a fry to eat, but dropped his hand into the pile, along with dropping his head downward to hide his gigantic smile. “Nevermind!” He rolled his eyes dramatically.

David slapped his leg and laughed at their ridiculousness,”No, finish your thought!”

“Now I don’t wanna because I have a bleeding Seth Meyers that can’t walk, and you’re probably out having a snowball fight with Amber!” Stefon giggled, taking several bites of his fries.

“Oh Amber’s on this nonexistent trip we’re having with famous actor, Seth Meyers? Okay, yeah. So, I’m out with Amber, and you’re taking care of a severely injured Seth Meyers?” Their giggling was senseless, and high pitched.

“Yes, but don’t say his name anymore, I feel like if we do, we’ll summon him from the dark pits of studio 8H.” Stefon covered his mouth with one hand, the other holding a bunch of fries he was about eat.

David threw his head back and looked at the ceiling, his laughing was silent, but it hurt his stomach. “Like- Like bloody Mary?”

“If I could summon him in my mirror, like bloody Mary,” Stefon took a breath, noticing David trying to catch his own. “I would be naked like 80 percent more of the time!”

“Stefon!” David reprimanded his brother, throwing one of his scrunched up napkins at him.

“What? What? I’m only telling the truth!” Stefon finished him fries and moved back to his sandwich.

“I know you are!” David crossed his arms. “And that’s why I threw that at you! Horrible!”

Stefon laughed hard, he felt his bangs fall from their original spot, he moved them back to the rest of his hair. This felt fantastic, laughing and joking with his brother like this. It felt like an eternity since they had done this. It felt like an eternity since Stefon had laughed, like really laughed, like give yourself a headache laugh. It brought his mood up, helping him concentrate on their light conversation, finishing their lunch. They soon headed back to their office, going over each others rewrites and debating keeping certain scenes. Once their work day was over, they found themselves shoved close together on the E train.

David’s eyebrows furrowed, biting the inside of his mouth, Stefon noticed, waving his hand in front of his face. “Earth to Davie? What’s wrong?”

David looked up at Stefon, blinking fast, he stuttered. “Nothing, nothing! Hey, are you going to a club tonight?”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” Stefon responded, cautiously. 

“Do you mind doing me a solid and going to one tonight?” David almost whispered.

Stefon looked confused, almost like a puppy who’s owner had tricked him by fake throwing a ball. “Okay, why?”

David sighed deeply, fishing something out of his jacket pocket. “I’m gonna, well I wanted to keep it a secret, but I’m gonna propose to Amber tonight.” He showed Stefon the tiny black velvet box in his hand, then putting it back in his jacket pocket.

“Oh my god!” Stefon wanted to say, but the words were taken right out of his mouth from a woman close by, with a multicolored sweater and a pink necklace. “You’re gonna surprise her with an engagement ring!”

Stefon and David looked between themselves and back at her, the woman grabbing their attention. David nodded. “Yeah, I am.”

“Oh my god! And she doesn’t know?” The woman started to grab at her necklace and biting at it.

Stefon started tugging at David’s arm, trying to pull him away from their spot, concerned they were about to befriend a crazy lady on the subway. “Yeah, she doesn’t know! Let’s go!” He finished speaking through gritted teeth.

David shrugged his brother’s hand off. “It’s fine. Yeah, Amber doesn’t know.” He turned to the woman who know seemed to be hyperventilating, the man next to her, looking worried.

“Aunt Sue, are you okay?” The man asked, he looked over at David and Stefon. “Oh no, did you say you were going to surprise someone?”

Before Stefon or David could reply, the woman yelled, her arms going straight out in front of her clenching her fingers,”YES! THEY DID! HE’S GONNA PROPOSE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND TONIGHT!” Many other riders on the subway, started to stare, some people ignoring it all together.

“I’m so sorry about her, have a good night, congratulations.” The man led the woman, Aunt Sue, to the opposite end of the subway, as far away from the boys as possible, even then, they could still hear her ranting and raving.

Stefon watched them leaving, then turned back to his brother. “Holy fucking shit, dude!” He slapped his arm, producing an ‘ow!’ out of his brother.

“You should’ve told me! I could’ve helped you! I could’ve set something up!” Stefon rambled almost the entire ride home, ranting and talking over David, but almost as soon as they walked in to their apartment, he was too silent, and everyone noticed.

Amber was at her easel, signing a painting as intricately as possible. She barely moved as the door opened, Stefon moving to his corner of the room, grabbing at his pills and taking a few to calm himself from the shocking news. David tried to act as nonchalantly as possible, grabbing his notebook and sticky notes and began writing.

“Hey Steffy, my tattoo guy, Joel, said he can give you the next tat for free if you can get him into that new club you’ve been going to.” Amber tried to fill the air, feeling cold around her, as if they had ice powers. 

Stefon jumped onto talking a bit too fast, a bit too quickly, ”Of course! I love going to ‘Light!’ And I’d love some man candy once and a while!” 

“Stefon!” David sat down on the futon, writing possible last names on a sticky note.

Stefon glanced over to his brother, a large smile growing on his face,”David?”

David exhaled through his nose, almost like he was suppressing a laugh of exasperation, “What’s so great about ‘Light?’”

Amber turned in her chair to look at Stefon, her arms folded and smile to match Stefon’s was plastered on her face. “Please, tell us.”

“This place has everything!” Stefon put his hands out in emphasis, and then back closer to his body to count on his fingers. “Rave music, strobe lights, a Puerto Rican non-gender specific bartender! And the whole dance floor is covered in men who look like tops, but are actually bottoms!”

David shook his head,”I don’t- I don’t want to know if you’re going to pick up one of those guys or to be them.”

Stefon took the sticky note from David, crossing out a name and wrote something else on there. “I don’t want you to know either! Oh, and Amber! Speaking of guys who look like tops, David met Seth Meyers today!” 

Amber’s eyebrows shot up her forehead, looking between the men. “No way! Did you meet him?” She pointed at Stefon.

“If Stefon met Seth Meyers, I would not be in this apartment right now, if you know what I mean.” Stefon winked, his wide smile showing his tongue meeting the side of his top teeth.

David took the sticky note back from Stefon. “Stefon, no!” He laughed.

“Stefon, yes, yes yes!” Stefon walked over to Amber, giving her a hug, and then started to walk towards the door, grabbing his keys.

“Where are you headed?” Amber’s eyebrows shot down, furrowing, uncrossing her arms, putting them at her side.

“Oh, um…” Stefon looked over at David, who was staring at him with wide eyes, he could only describe as ‘Don’t fuck this up for me.’, and then back over at Amber. “Probably either ‘Splash’ or ‘Glitter.’ I’m not sure, but you guys have a good night, and if I have a good night, I will see you sometime tomorrow!” Stefon opened the door, walking out of it, he heard Amber laugh and then say something intelligible as he closed the door. Stefon counted each step he took down the stairs, feeling the air change around him as he moved away from the warmth he shared with David and Amber, and into the dark night, alone.

His anxiety was through the roof, he had no idea what David’s was like. When Stefon closed the apartment door, David looked down at the sticky note Stefon had momentarily stolen from him, and instead of a name suggestion, was just the words ‘Good luck!’ Stefon walked down the flights of stairs, when he finally got outside, he had no fucking clue where to go, but if he was going to go out, he decided to start walking. And he kept walking, and he kept walking until he didn’t know if there was a club anywhere near him. He felt like he needed something. Pills? A guy? A drink? Multiple drinks? Maybe even multiple guys! He didn’t know. He felt like he wanted to claw his way out of his own skin. He felt like the world was falling down around him, but that was a lie. His life was good, right? Great family, great job! 

If anyone should feel anxious tonight, it’s David. David’s asking Amber to marry him, David’s taking this huge leap, David’s getting promotions at work. People like David. It’s always been that way, the boy scout’s leader always used David as an example. Guys and Girls flirted with David. When David walked down the street, people moved out of their way. But none of these feelings meant that Stefon hated, or resented David, they just meant he was jealous. He was jealous of how natural and easy everything was for David. He was jealous how everyone seemed to be pulled in by David’s electric personality. He was jealous how kind and thoughtful David was. He was jealous, no, angry when someone would compliment only David for their hard work, but David would turn around and give the praise right back to Stefon. He was angry how David never took a compliment, and always turned it around to someone else, to be so selfless. Whenever Stefon got in trouble as a kid, David would always lie and say he was to blame. Of course, their father saw right through that. 

Stefon wondered, ‘Do they ever think of me? Their mess of a son? Did mom make and paint another vase to replace the one dad threw at me? Oh no, how is dad gonna react to David telling them he’s marrying Amber?’

It had been almost two years, but Stefon could still hear the words his father screamed at him, throwing everything at him. The t.v. remote, the pillows on the couch, the candles on the coffee table, and finally the vase. Yelling, and screaming, and barking slurs and tangents. Words of “You know how your Uncle Harvey died! AIDs! You’re gonna die if you’re gay!” That was far from the truth, the only way Stefon would die is if he wanted to. 

“Fuck.” Stefon muttered, tears falling out of his eyes, remembering the day, remembering his mother’s kind words as they picked up the shards of ceramic, how she told him it was best if he left.

‘No, no, no, no, no, no! You are not feeling depressed when David’s at home, probably going through a crisis! You gotta be there for him, no matter what! If Amber says yes, celebrate with them. If Amber says no, get him shit-faced. He’s going through something right now, you just need to stop feeling, so you could be the brother he deserves!’ Stefon turned a corner, hugging the brick wall in a way, almost scrapping up his left arm.

He looked up at the sign on the corner, West 57th Street, one more over and he’d basically be in Central Park. He said fuck it, walked a while down 57th, took a right on Sixth Avenue, and shuffled all the way down to Wien Walk. The moment his feet hit the grass, the sun started setting, the colors of the sky and clouds turning to auburn reds and cotton candy pinks. He took in a deep breathe, hopefully he could find peace here. Stefon wandered over to an empty bench and gazed up at the sky. He tried to center his breathing, he had finally calmed down. After an hour and a half of people watching, he got up and started to walk around, no place to go, no one to see. He made his way over to one of the many duck ponds, and watched as the ducks swam and begged for food. Stefon felt at home with these ducks, he too felt like he was going in circles and liked pestering people for McDonalds. He stayed there for a moment, before the sky turned a dark blue, threatening to turn black. As he started to walk back to the concrete, an older man with a gray beard stopped him.

“Excuse me, do you have change?” The man asked, holding out his hand for said currency.

“I don't- Listen man, are you homeless or do you want the money for drugs?” Stefon looked around him very quickly and leaned in,”I can get you drugs.”

The man nodded his head. “Okay, where?”

“Go to the club Fusion, on eighth, it’s free to get in, just say the password: Dolphin. Once you’re in, tell the bartender Stefon sent you, they’ll hook you up.” Stefon dictated, using mostly his fingers to show directions.

The man nodded again, running off in the direction of eighth, Stefon rolled his eyes, deciding it was time to go home, if he was going to walk. He pushed himself off in the direction of the apartment, and went on autopilot until his brain told him he was unlocking the door. It was around one-thirty in the morning, Stefon decided to never be alone with his thoughts again as he quietly opened the door, peeking his head to see into the dark apartment. Amber and David were already asleep on the futon, Stefon decided that was a good sign. He walked into the small room, taking his boots and jacket off as quietly and quickly as possible. He hung his keys on the key rack and took his wallet out of his pocket, sliding on his socks, putting the wallet on one of his shelves. He searched around for any inkling of the ring, finding the ring box on the table Amber used for paint brushes, it was empty. He searched for her left hand, finding it up near her arm, in between the two of them. A rounded diamond with three, smaller diamonds on each side of the large rock, it probably cost a small fortune, knowing David and how he liked to spoil Amber. Stefon smiled as he went into the bathroom to change in his pajamas, he looked at himself in the mirror, the bags under his eyes were extremely apparent. He rubbed his face as he walked back into their room, moving to his beanbag and gently sitting down. He moved the blankets and pillows as silently as possible, the rustling barely audible over David’s snoring.

Stefon looked out their window, he couldn’t sleep, he didn’t eat dinner, but it was too late now. He found his sketchbook under a blanket and pulled it out, flipping through the pages until he found a blank one. He looked out into the city, seeing some buildings lit up like a christmas tree, others dark and blending in with the sky. He shook his head, looking back around the apartment, trying to find inspiration, and he found it in his brother and his brother’s girlfriend, or should he say fiancee? Or should he say sister-in-law? He stared at the pair, focusing on the way the blankets creased and folded around them, then moving onto arms and hands and the weird way fingers contorted, then their hair and faces. He was almost done with the drawing when the sun rose, Stefon decided it was time to sleep. Almost as soon as he closed his eyes, he felt like they burst open when he heard his phone ring. He checked the time, eleven forty-five, a few hours late to work. It was David.

“Hey, you need to come into work, I covered for you, but we’re gonna be in a meeting at two, they’ve decided on the cast, everyone’s been called and getting scripts soon. We gotta finish the last two scenes, it’s being made in like five months!” David told Stefon in the happiest voice, Stefon thinks he’s ever heard his brother.

“That’s like September! We have until September to finish the script?” Stefon jumped up as soon as possible, stripping.

“More like July!” David’s accent came through hard, emphasising the syllables. 

Stefon started to get dressed as soon as possible, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder. “July?!? Okay, but who did they cast for Isabella?”

David looked at the list again, grinning ear to ear. “Kristen Wiig, so we’re shooting it on her off weeks from the show.”


	5. Chapter 5

The green lights flashed against the black shiny walls to the thumping of the bass, making Stefon feel like he was floating instead of jumping to the song. If it wasn’t the smell of alcohol in the air that infected his nose, it was the sweat. The music banged into his head like a hammer, and the people around him seemed to blur in and out. He felt free among the faceless entities he would probably never see again. Except for Shy, of course. He had a safety net made up of three people; David, Amber, and Shy. And Shy was great, he was like a connection to the outside world. They didn’t get to see each other as much as Stefon saw David, but when they did it was like catching up with old friends. 

“Hello Stefon!” Shy’s pronunciation of his name cut it right down the middle, always forcing Stefon to tilt his head,”I have something to tell you!”

Shy pulled Stefon out of the crowd, weaving their way to a nearby wall. “What’s up?”

Stefon almost twirled toward Shy as he yanked his body over to him. “Well, good news and bad news! Good news: I’m going to study in Paris for my conceptual piss art. Bad news: I’m going to study in Paris for my conceptual piss art.”

“Wait, what?” Stefon felt like he had whiplash, just five minutes ago they were doing shots off of Abrablam Lincspin’s back and now he’s getting the news his best friend is leaving. “When are you leaving?”

“In like, six hours.” Shy checked his watch, Shy was the only man Stefon knew who still wore a wrist watch.

“And you didn’t tell me until now?” Stefon reflexively pushed his arms away from him as he exhaled.

“Didn’t want to worry you! Come on, let’s snort coke and forget about it! I’ll send you postcards!” Shy pulled at Stefon’s arm again towards the bar.

Stefon rolled his eyes, letting him, walking behind him. “I’d rather you mail me wine!” He yelled over the music. 

The two spent the next three hours partying, drinking, doing drugs, and finding ways to make the night feel longer. Stefon kept prolonging their time together, trying to keep Shy as long as possible. Stefon knew his weaknesses: beautiful people, knight rock, and hard liquor. Stefon was hazy and hammered as they walked out of the club, leaning on Shy. He made sure to look away from Shy, if he didn’t he knew he would start to bawl. They glided down the sidewalk, the loud noises drumming in their ears from the club blocking out the sounds of New York. 

“How long do you think you’re gonna be there?” Stefon almost whispered, if he didn’t talk, it wasn’t true.

“A couple years, but hey! I’ll still be your lawyer!” Shy squeezed his shoulder, trying to make the best of their situation.

“Shy…” Stefon stopped and turned to him,” You’re a great friend, and I’m gonna miss you, buddy.”

Shy embraced Stefon, both of them holding back tears. “I’m gonna miss you.”

They parted ways, Shy heading to the airport, Stefon shuffling to his apartment. It was a long walk from the club to his place, for the first thirty minutes, he wasn’t even sure if he was going the right way. By minute forty, he found himself fumbling with his keys to open his apartment door, trying to open said door as quietly as possible. But by the time he was in the room, David and Amber were both sitting on the futon, arms crossed with stern looks on their faces. David was still wearing his clothes from the day before, while Amber was in her striped pajamas.

“Oh hey guys! Why are you up so late?” Stefon hung his keys and jacket up, walking over to his beanbag to slide his shoes off.

“Do you know what you were supposed to do yesterday?” Amber’s voice had a tinge to it Stefon had never heard before.

“Not that I’m aware of, no.” He tried to play it cool, but his anxiety was bubbling in his stomach already.

“Well Stefon,” David took the lead, uncrossing his arms, but crossing his legs. “You were supposed to be at a rehearsal dinner last night, for our wedding.” 

“Oh shit, oh fuck, oh my god!” Stefon covered his entire face with his hands, as he started shaking. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t- I mean, I forgot- and Shy left- and I’m so sorry- I-”

“It’s okay, Stefon.” Amber’s voice lifted back to her normal state, not wanting to make Stefon feel bad. “I’m just worried, what if that was our actual wedding?”

“No, no, no! I promise I would never forget! I’m so sorry- I didn’t-” Stefon could feel the anxiety in his stomach rise around his lungs like cement, choking him. “I would never- I’m sorry- I-”

David hated seeing his brother like his, he always had, he kneeled down next to him, putting his arms around him. “It’s okay.”

Amber moved in too, holding onto the brothers. “We forgive you, just try to remember.”

“I want to remember, today has just been a hard day, I need- I need to sleep.” Stefon didn’t dare shed a tear, if he did, he knew they would keep him up to talk; and to him, it was better to ignore things than to talk.

“Okay, okay. Let’s talk about this in the morning.” David and Amber pulled away, David searching his brothers face for affirmation. 

“Sure.” Stefon wiped his face, looking away from the couple, between the blinds slats, into the night sky.

David stood up, walking into the bathroom to change, Amber staying on the floor, trying to catch Stefon’s gaze. “I’m not upset Stefon, neither is David, we were just worried. We were more worried before we called your friend Shy, but he told us you were okay. I’m sorry Shy is leaving.”

“Me too.” Stefon kept staring out the window, if he turned his head and looked at Amber, he knew he would start sobbing. “I’m really tired Amber, do you mind if we talk about this later, I have a massive headache.”

Stefon was only half lying, the headache at the back of his head felt like a railroad spike was being hammered through his skull, the point at his left eyebrow. Amber shook her head in agreement, standing up, and turning to convert the futon from it’s couch state to it’s bed state. It took up half the room when it was in bed state, and sometimes during the night, Stefon would prop his feet up near theirs. Stefon slammed his eyes shut, a pang coming through, like someone new had started hammering on the railroad spike, and really wanted to get it in there. He plugged his phone into the charger and started to take off his boots and jewelry. Once David had changed, Stefon went into the bathroom and changed into pajamas himself. If it was up to him and he lived alone, he probably wouldn’t wear pajamas and just change clothes in the morning, but it wasn’t like he had any choice. Amber would probably tell him how it’s bad for some stupid health reasons, and David would berate him about some sort of nighttime “code”, whatever that was. By the time he got out of the bathroom, David’s snores already filled the room, he was a fast, heavy sleeper. For Amber, it took a while, but she finally fell asleep. Stefon couldn’t sleep, he felt like he never could.

Maybe it was the drugs he took with Shy, or all the alcohol they had, or maybe it was the anxiety he felt, or the panic attack he was having, but Stefon could not sleep. His hands were fidgeting, he could feel his heart beat faster and faster, but it also felt like time had just stopped. He looked around the room for anything to preoccupy his mind and get away from the dark thoughts he knew would circle soon enough. He picked up his sketchbook, which was next to his charging phone, and flipped through it until he found the drawing he did of David and Amber before, studying it. He looked at the lines and how sloppy they were, and how the proportions of the arms were off. He really wanted to throw the page away, but he kept forcing himself to look at it and keep it. 

He stared at the page until his eyes hurt, and as they did he grabbed his pen and started inking the picture, fixing areas that he felt were out of proportion. As he waited for the ink to dry, he looked out the window, watching the world outside. Everything felt like it was going fast, too fast for Stefon’s mind to keep up, but also at a snail’s pace. He wished he had a pause button on the world, but instead, he just rolled with the punches life threw at him, hoping he could duck and dodge them. And sometimes he was successful moving around the bad, but it was times like this he could feel he was in the bad, being punched in the gut over and over again. But looking over at his brother and his soon-to-be sister-in-law, he knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. Right? Right. 

By the time the ink dried, his eyes were itchy and his limbs felt numb, but he erased the construction lines under the ink and wrote around the image in his best cursive. He usually didn’t write in cursive, his writing style was choppy and slanted, and hybrid of cursive and straight. It read: ‘David and Amber, the world’s best straight couple.’ He couldn’t sleep, he wanted to. But his nagging thoughts kept him awake, along with whatever he drank and snorted with Shy. The lines of his drawing were blurring together by the time he was done with it. He sat the notebook down in it’s normal place and stared out the window until Amber woke up for her six a.m. shower.

“Stefon, how long have you been up?” Amber whispered, moving the braids out of her face.

“Um…” Stefon grabbed the notebook, and stood up. “I didn’t sleep.”

“Oh my god! Stefon, go to bed!” Amber put her hands on Stefon’s arms.

“No, no, no! I wanted to give you this.” He flipped through the sketchbook to the specific page, giving it to her. “I’m gonna cut it out, of course. And I know this means nothing compared to what I did last night. I want you to know that I care and I’m so sorry. Forgetting is so stupid of me. Here you go.”

He handed her the book, the drawing inked in black and crosshatched for shadows. “Stefon this is beautiful, thank you.”

“I’m sorry, I’m really trying to get better at everything. I promise, I’m trying to get better.” He looked down at his hands that were clutching at his long sleeves.

Amber looked down at the drawing, then back at Stefon, and enveloping him in a hug that crushed him compared to her small stature. “I love it Stefon, thank you. It’s okay. I understand.”

“I…” Stefon couldn’t form words, his arms felt heavy at his sides before he decided to wrap them around Amber.

“You need to get some sleep, we’ll wake you up in an hour, okay?” Amber squeezed him tight before letting go, rubbing her hands up and down his arms to comfort him.

“Okay.” Stefon moved out of the way and sat down in his beanbag, while Amber opened and closed the bathroom door behind her. 

She had set the sketch book down on the t.v. stand. He heard the water come on as he finally closed his eyes. It had been well over 24 hours since he’d slept, he needed at least an hour, Stefon decided. The combination of David’s snoring, the water falling from the shower, Amber’s humming, and the traffic down below was like a lullaby to Stefon’s faltering brain. His back ached and his shoulders throbbed as he tried to find a comfortable position, he finally gave up after his eyes wouldn’t physically open again. 

By the time Stefon had started to fall into a deep sleep, he was awoken by David, who was facing the stove. “Stefon! Buddy!”

Stefon shot straight up, blinking fast to wake himself up. “Yes? Yes! What’s- Hi?”

“I’m making breakfast, do you mind going downstairs getting the laundry while I finish these eggs?” David asked, Amber was next to him, getting plates from the overhead cabinets. 

“Yeah, course.” Stefon stood up, wiped the sleep from his eye, and maneuvered between the t.v. and his family to the door, “Is the basket down there already?”

“Yep! Hey, nice drawing, it’s really great and funny, I forgot you knew how to write in cursive.” David was scrambling eggs in the small pan they had.

“Oh, thank you, I- it’s a ‘I’m sorry gift.’” Stefon cracked his knuckles and wrists, all his joints felt out of place, probably from the lack of sleep.

David blinked a few times before finally looking at Stefon. “It’s great, thank you.”

Stefon sighed a breath of relief, he hated letting his family down, especially David, so to have confirmation that everything was alright again; was perfect. “I’ll be back in a second!” 

David waited for Stefon to close the door behind him, and the creaking of the stairs before he turned to Amber. “Mom called, she said she’d love to come.”

“My parents did too, what about your dad?” Amber was getting out plastic silverware, so they didn’t have to wash too many dishes.

“Well…” David sighed, plating some eggs and pouring more into the pan to scramble. “You know how he is.”

“A hateful man, a racist, a homophobe, the list can go on and on really, I’m sure Steffy can tell you all about it.” Amber counted on her fingers, imitating Stefon. 

David dropped his head and let out air in a small chuckle. “Very true! He’s warmed up to you.”

“Yeah, I bet.” She commented under her breath, going around to the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water for herself. 

“He said he won’t go if Stefon’s attending.” David’s words rushed out, jumbling into one big word.

Amber stopped in her tracks to the futon and turned on her heel. “He’s your best man, of course he’s going to attend our fucking wedding!” She clenched her fists at her sides.

He plated more eggs and turned to her after turning the stovetop off. “Yeah, I know.”

“So what the hell are we gonna do?” She rubbed her forehead with her left hand, her right holding the water bottle.

“I… I don’t know.” David took out a loaf of bread and started to put pieces in the toaster. “I think I’m gonna talk to Stefon about it later. I’d rather have my best friend, and my brother at my side, then one of the most hateful man I’ve ever personally met.” 

“I would too, but maybe there’s a way to get them both in the room, for at least the reception!” She turned again, setting the water bottle on her painting table, pushing the futon from its bed position to its couch position.

David shook his head, agreeing with her, he waited for the toast to cool slightly before taking it out of the toaster. “Maybe, but I don’t know how.”

“Well, we have a month and half, I think we’ll figure something out before then.” She started arranging the pillows and blankets on the futon so it looked more like a couch, but the fitted sheet gave it away as a futon.

“Yes we do!” David started spreading butter on the toast and placing them on the three plates.

Soon after he washed some grapes, Stefon was back with the laundry. “I don’t know if you guys know this-” He huffed as he shoved open the door with his foot. “We live on the third floor, and the washers and dryers are in the basement-”

“Yes?” Amber smiled as David brought over their plates, sitting down next to her.

“And there’s no fucking elevator. I hate this, I’m in hell.” Stefon joked, plopping the basket next to his beanbag chair, in front of the window.

“See?” Amber bit into her toast. “Now you know what I have to go through all the time!”

“You’re a goddamn saint, Amber Pucke. I’m so sorry you do this.” Stefon reached out to her, she took his hand and shook it.

“Thanks Steffy, but you haven’t even done the hard part yet! Folding and hanging.” Amber giggled as she ate, the look on Stefon’s face of pure betrayal.

Stefon looked over the freshly clean clothes he needed to put away in their tiny closet inside their bathroom. “You guys just want to kill me!”

David ate some grapes before talking. “Stefon, how about you do all the laundry that needs to be hung up, I’ll do the folding, and when we leave for work, we’ll take the basket back downstairs?” 

He contemplated over the suggestion, before nodding his head. “After we eat?”

“Of course! You’re breakfast is getting cold!” Amber pointed to his plate on the kitchen counter.

“Oh thank god!” Stefon sighed out, going to get his food, then sitting in his beanbag across from Amber and David.

When they were done with their breakfast, putting away laundry, and getting dressed themselves, it was time for the three of them to go to work, Amber being a part-time waitress, part-time tech guru, and full-time artist; David being an executive producer and writer, and Stefon being a writer. It fit, sure, it was a lot of work, but it paid the bills and they were happy with this system they worked out. This was the first morning in a long time in which Stefon was up with everyone else, getting to work on time. It felt different, waking up so early, but today they had to. It was their first day of filming. Stefon didn’t have to be on set, but David demanded it, and it felt nice to be included. 

They went to their office before getting on set, David putting down his backpack, Stefon taking some pills to calm his nerves. He knew he would be around a lot of people today in an unfamiliar setting, it wasn’t like a club where nothing mattered, this was work, and it had to matter. He had to get this right, if people liked him, they’d promote him so he wasn’t just a writer who stuck around on set next to his brother, he’d be an actual worker. Someone who meant something. 

“Which floor is it? Seventeen?” Stefon asked, his hands shaking, he needed more pills.

“Um, nope!” David looked over the papers he was given by other producers. “That’s the main writers floor, it’s on sixty-five.”

“Sixty-five?” Stefon grabbed their two scripts, handing one to David as they walked out of their office. 

“Yep! You okay, man?” David asked as they waited for the elevator, then stepping in with tons of other people Stefon didn’t recognize.

“Yeah, Stefon’s just a little on edge.” He flipped through the script, not looking for anything in particular, just something to distract himself.

“Stefon,” David waited as people left the elevator and more got on. “You only talk like that when you’re freaking out, are you okay?”

He sighed, letting the script dangle from his hand. “I’ll be fine, just, the movie’s getting made and lots of people will be there today. I’m just a little scared.”

David put his hand on his brother’s shoulder, shaking him slightly. “It’s okay, everything’s gonna go great!”

Stefon wasn’t so sure, he took out a blue and white pill he didn’t remember the name of and dry swallowed it. He hated doing that, but it’s better than nothing, and it’ll calm his nerves, he hoped. Stefon counted along with the elevator as they went up the fifty-seven floors, David looking over the scenes that they were filming today. When they finally made it up to floor sixty-five, everything was already set in motion, almost everyone was on set, ready to roll. Stefon’s hands had stopped fidgeting, but he still pawed at his sleeves, and script. They walked over the main area, where all the producers were huddled around a few monitors. David has his own chair, Stefon stood next to him.

“We’ll get you a writer’s chair, I promise.” David assured him, talking under his breath before he turned back to the other producers. 

Stefon’s eyes wandered to the set, a simple living room set, but with a few thing Stefon knew had to be there. The fairy lights and the jellyfish tank for one, a huge boombox on a broken piano, it was exactly how he imagined it in his head as he wrote the scene. Sure the couch color and wallpaper were off, but there was nothing he could do about that. The actors on set were basically what he had in mind, Isabella wasn’t blonde when he wrote her, but seeing Kristen in the tie dye shirt and sparkly jeans really cemented her as the character. Sure, he really wanted to watch Isabella and Nadia interact today, but Mindy and Kristen’s schedules conflicted a lot, with SNL and The Office being shot almost at the same time. Today was just Kristen shooting B roll footage by herself. Kristen bounced over to the director, pointing to her script, saying something Stefon couldn’t make out. Stefon tried to lean a bit to listen, but David caught what he was doing and called Kristen over.

“Hey, Kristen!” David motioned for her to come over to them.

“What are you doing?” Stefon hastily said under his breath as she walked over to them. “Hi.”

Kristen noticed his long, drawn out word and tilted her head slightly before looking over to David. “Hi, David? Right?”

“Yeah, I’m David, this is my brother, Stefon. We co-wrote the script, I just wanted to introduce you to him, since Stefon here came up with the character Isabella.” David bragged, slapping his brother’s back.

“Oh, hi! Nice to meet you! I’m Kristen Wiig.” Kristen extended her hand, Stefon taking her fingertips and shaking them in a weird way.

“It’s good to meet you, we love your show, you guys are hilarious.” Stefon started to fidget with his sleeves and hands.

“Oh, thank you so much!” She started running her hands on the sides of her jeans. “It’s a lot of fun, but I’m excited to work on this since it’s so different to what I’m used to.”

Stefon started to space out as Kristen kept talking, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to listen, it was because he couldn’t. He physically couldn’t. He looked around him at the lights, and the studio, trying to focus on something, anything. He squinted and blinked, trying to force himself to concentrate on Kristen’s and David’s words. His head felt heavy, but his body felt light. Stefon felt his breathing get heavier, but it didn’t feel like his own breathing. It felt like he was an independent body from his his own lungs. His fingers started tapping against each other, fidgeting with his sleeves and sides, before pulling them up towards his face. 

David noticed his brother’s behavior, and grabbed his arm. “If you’ll excuse us Kristen, I need to talk to Stefon for a second.”

“Of course.” Kristen tilted her head in confusion as David pulled Stefon outside of the studio room and walked into the hallway.

David stopped pulling his brother once they rounded the corner. “Stefon, you’re freaking out, are you okay?”

“I.. I-” Stefon took a few deep breaths, trying to get a grip on his surroundings. “Must’ve taken something.”

“Are you okay? Is it an overdose? Do you need me to call an ambulance?” David’s demeanor shifted, putting his hands on Stefon’s arms, squatting down to his level.

“No, no, no! It’s… not that,” Stefon kept looking past David, his head falling to one side. “I just feel… off.”

“Well, why do you-” David was cut off from the ringing coming from his pocket, he took his phone out, and answered it. “Hey, I don’t have time- No, I’m at work, I don’t have time- Okay, goodbye.”

“Who was- who was that?” Stefon felt like his feet were heavier than they normally should be, he swayed back and forth a little.

“It was, god, I don’t want to do this now. Stefon-” David was cut off as he put his cell phone back in his pocket.

“No, tell me who it was.” Stefon demanded, suddenly feeling entitled.

“It was a real estate agent.” David pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s nothing, are you okay? Do you need to go home?”

“A real estate agent? Why are you getting a call from one of those?” He tried to stand his ground, David was not controlling this situation like he always did, Stefon wanted to take a stand.

David sighed. “Listen, we’re getting married in like a month, and we… don’t want to live here anymore.”

“What?” Stefon’s back straightened, he tried to pull himself out of wherever he was to focus on his brother.

“Stefon, we’ll talk about it when we get home.” David’s voice got stern, like he was scolding a small child.

Stefon started to rub his fingers on the palm of his left hand. “No! I wanna talk about this now! Apparently it’s not even home to you anymore?”

“Don’t say that, man, that’s not nice.” David rebutted, “We want kids, and a place bigger than one room!”

“So you’re gonna get a bigger apartment?” Stefon grabbed at his sleeves, anxiety overtaking his dazed thoughts, making them worse.

David ran his fingers through his hair, then down his face. “After the wedding, Amber and I are moving to L.A.-”

“WHAT?” Stefon choked on the air around him, his eyebrows flying downward, knitting themselves.

“No, no, no! Don’t freak out, we want you to move with us, if you want. It’s an open invitation!” David’s pitch raised an octave as he tried to calm the younger man.

Stefon’s thoughts were swarming. “I can’t leave New York! Or this job! They don’t like me without you!” He pointed towards the studio the producers were in.

“We can write in L.A. together, it’ll be fine!” David put his hands on Stefon’s arms, trying to help him.

“But I have friends here! I have a life here!” Stefon raised his voice, clenching his fists at his side.

“Stefon, what friends? Shy left. All you have now are drugs, and me and Amber!” David raised his voice as well, anger swelling up his throat.

Stefon was taken aback, his eyelids fluttering out of anger, he thought his brother had misspoke. “What did you just say?”

“Come on, we can still write for NBC together, in L.A., in a cheaper, bigger place.” David’s lips pressed together, clenching his jaw, he wanted this conversation to be over.

“You can’t insult me like that,” Stefon inhaled, his hands started shaking even more. “And then go back to talking about FUCKING L.A.!” 

“I’m sorry! But it’s the truth, Stefon!” David raised his voice almost to a yell, pointing at his brother.

Stefon took a step back, holding himself. “I’m living my life!”

David stepped forward, Stefon could see the veins in his neck tense. “You are gonna O.D. somewhere in one of those stupid clubs, and I’m not gonna know what happened to you!”

Stefon could feel his eyes trying to tear up, ‘Not right now,’ he decided, blinking to try to stop them. “I’M FINE, DAVID!”

He was about to respond with yelling himself, but a P.A. turned the corner. “Oh there you guys are, We need you two on set!” 

She lead them back to the studio, David walking next to Stefon, he leaned in, whispering to him. “We’ll talk about this when we get home.”

Stefon exhaled sharply, out of anger. “Yeah, we sure will.”

As they entered the set, Stefon didn’t care about how the set looked, he didn’t care about all the producers and interns around him. He didn’t care about how his brother opened up his script, following along as Kristen acted up a storm in front of the cameras. He didn’t care how easily David went back to work, as if nothing happened. He didn’t care about how the scenes playing out in front of him were exactly like how he wrote them. He sat in the fold out chair that someone got for him, and fumed. He was angry, and upset, and confused. 

He was confused and silent as they left the building, trudging behind his older brother, just hours before he was very happy for him. This wasn’t something he could fix with art and calligraphy and a heartfelt apology. He couldn’t fix this, and that terrified Stefon. Because maybe David was right, without him and Amber, he had no one. All he had was night clubs and drugs, and writing. His thoughts turned to NBC and the executive producers that didn’t like him, he knew for a fact they didn’t like him without David. He was bombarded with thoughts of self-doubt that he could not force down today with drugs and partying. He was too angry and hurt by David and his comments from their fight to voice anything. He was seething with rage inside his head, his fingers itching and scratching at his sleeves and pants. 

They kept their silence as they sat down on the subway, David reading over notes from today’s shoot, Stefon staring aimlessly, deep in thought. His eyes darted to David a few times, thinking of how out of left field this was. L.A.? Maybe a bigger apartment in New York, but moving across the country to L.A.? They grew up here, they have a life here, what was Stefon supposed to do? Just go with them and be the burden on the couch for the rest of their lives? He felt like his world was slipping away, first Shy, now them. Everything was blurring past him as David stood up to get off the train, Stefon right behind him. 

He felt a weight on his chest grow in size as they walked closer and closer to their apartment building. Stefon kept opening and closing his mouth, wanting to form words, want to say something, but nothing would come out. He stood idle in the main lobby as David pulled out mail from the indoor mail slots, he got antsy, holding his fingers with his left hand. There was a pit in his stomach that only got bigger and deeper as they finally walked up the first flight of stairs. He heard David hum as they trekked up the second flight, wondering if he should start talking now. His heart felt like it would beat out of his chest as they ascended the third flight, the bannister shaky, making Stefon’s anxiety and already wobbly knees even worse. His breathing sped up as David pulled out his keys to open the door, Stefon behind him. He was having an panic attack, a full blown panic attack, and he was about to start crying, he knew it. 

David opened the door, walking in and stopping immediately, Stefon right behind him. “Oh, I didn’t know you were coming over!” 

Stefon’s eyes darted from David, who had turned to look at him with a concerned look on his face, to Amber who mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ as she made tea, to Margaret and David Zolesky Sr. Their parents were sitting on the futon, legs crossed. Stefon had not seen his father in almost two years since the day he came out, and he went crying to David and Amber, his real family. But now they were leaving too, weren’t they? It was like every single ghost was out to haunt him tonight. 

Stefon covered his mouth with his hands, then shakily took them away. “Hi mom, hi dad.”


	6. Chapter 6

The air in the room was thick. Outside he knew he was having a panic attack, but inside felt like a heart attack was added onto it. Stefon wanted to run, he physically wanted to vomit, but for some reason, his feet were cemented into the floorboards below him. He didn’t know if he should greet their parents with a hug and act like nothing was wrong, and act like everything was normal and this past year and some odd months never existed; or if he should acknowledge their falling out. It wasn’t his fault things were like this, they did this to themselves when they didn’t accept him for who he was. Stefon was finally becoming happy with where his life was going, but now this. Now David and Amber were moving after the wedding and their parents were here. He wanted to cry, he also wanted to run over to his pill bag and take as many as possible, just so he could pass out and avoid confrontation. 

David moved towards his parents and hugged them as they stood up, Margaret being a foot shorter than her sons, David Sr was around the same height. “Hi guys, it’s good to see you!” Stefon knew David was lying through his front teeth with that statement.

“Junior, it’s so good to see you too! We’re so happy for you two and excited for the wedding!” Margaret squeezed her eldest son as they hugged, David stepping backwards between the bean bag and the t.v., blocking the bathroom door. 

David laughed, “Thank you so much!” He looked over at Amber, who caught his gaze. “We are too.”

Amber took that as her que and shuffled over to the older couple and gave them their tea. “Yeah! Only a month and a half away now!”

Margaret graciously took the tea cup. “Thank you, darling! You have everything set up?”

David crossed his arms, sensing Stefon’s discomfort as he hadn’t left his spot in front of the door. “Yeah, just waiting on a few more RSVP’s and stuff. Everything’s set up.”

“Well that’s good!” Their mother took a long sip of her tea, everyone could feel the awkwardness around them. 

Amber looked between the brothers and then stepped near David, putting her arm around him. “We’re actually just waiting on a few friends of mine from high school and college, and you two.” As soon as she said that, she closed her eyes in regret.

Margaret’s eyebrows raised, her head swivelling towards her husband. “Us? Honey, I thought you said you called and told them we’d be there?”

David Sr. huffed and set his tea cup on the mini painting table next to Amber’s easel. “I said you would.” He finally said, then looked up towards Stefon, his eyebrows knitted. “Are you still a homosexual, Stefon?”

At his father’s words, he felt a fire bubble under his heart, it usually would crush him, but not now, not today. If this was how today was going to go, with everything falling down around him, he decided he’d rip the wallpaper off the walls with him. He needed some control over today, he needed something. He clenched his teeth, his jaw bone becoming more prominent, holding his hands together, so he didn’t do anything stupid.

“Are you still a homophobic racist?”

Amber’s eyes grew wide, her neck whipping over to Stefon. “Stefon!”

He turned his head fast towards her. “What? It’s true! He’s called both of us horrible, nasty things! He shouldn’t be allowed in our apartment- oh excuse me, MY apartment.” 

“You told him?” Amber whispered to David, her grip on the taller man becoming tighter.

“Now, Stefon, your father has been getting better and-” Margaret tried to explain, but Stefon cut her off.

Stefon shook his head, his hands started shaking from anxiety. “No, no, no.” He wanted to say more, about how he didn’t deserve to be his father anymore, he wanted to yell about how he shouldn’t be in their home. He wanted to scream over David and Amber leaving, without telling him until just now. He wanted to do so much, but his anxiety overtook his throat and closed around it.

“I will not have you speak to me that way!” David Sr. raised his voice, Stefon shrinking back, thinking of how horribly natural and familiar this felt. 

Stefon wanted to fall apart, sink into the floor, and disappear forever over how this day was going. “So what? You get to say hateful things to all of us all the time, and we don’t get to defend ourselves?”

Their father stood up and held his ground, looking at the rest of them. “I do not say hateful things to you, I just want my son to be normal.”

“Normal?” Stefon’s anger came back with a vengeance, his nails digging into his palms as he balled up his fists. “NORMAL? So your son is gay! And the other is getting married to an African American woman! And we’re both writers! Sorry we couldn’t be your perfect sons who grew up to be mini assholes just like you!”

“Stefon Zolesky, stop it! This instant!” David Sr. pointed at his youngest son, his finger curling in anger.

Stefon put his fists on either side of his forehead, squishing them together, trying to stop the combination panic attack and headache he was having. “NO! I’m not going to stop! You do this all the time! We’re all great and doing fine without you!”

“Stefon…” He heard David whisper, he turned and saw his brother with a sad look on his face. 

He faced his brother, confusing creeping on his face. “What? Are you gonna side with him?”

“Of course not, but I want all my family to be happy!” David gritted his teeth, Amber holding on to him tighter.

Margaret stepped in the middle of the small room, trying to sound as non-threatening as possible. “How about we compromise? We all go to the wedding, and decide here who’s going to the reception.”

“Mom, this isn’t about the wedding anymore, this is about dad being a fucking bigot!” David rebutted, pointing at their father.

Margaret blinked at David a few times, “I understand, but I’m still your mother, and you know I do not like swearing, especially towards me.”

“Sorry mom.” Both of her sons sighed out, almost from a place of guilt.

David Sr. furrowed his eyebrows and stared straight through Stefon. “I never wanted a faggot for a son. I’ll just make this easier for everyone and not go at all.”

Stefon was shocked still and appalled by his father’s words, he wanted to yell at him until his voice went out, but he choked up a sob, a few tears threatening to fall. 

David balled his fists, trying to run toward his father, but Amber stopped him. “It’s not worth it, David.”

“Now wait, honey-” Margaret was cut off by her husband storming out of the apartment, pushing past Stefon. “I’ll… I’ll call you tomorrow, have a good night.”

She nodded towards David and Amber, then walked over to Stefon, getting on her tiptoes to kiss Stefon on the cheek. “I’m so sorry honey.” She wiped a few tears from his face and patted his shoulders as he finally breathed a sigh of relief.

Stefon locked the door behind her as she left, and put his head in his hands. “...fuck…” 

He felt the weight of his own body crumble as he started to sink into the floor, David rushing over and keeping him upwards, helping him move and sit down on the couch. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Stefon repeated over and over again, his heads still in his hands.

“No, no, no need to be sorry.” David whispered, enveloping Stefon in a hug.

Amber sat down next to them, putting a hand on Stefon’s back. “I would’ve called and warned you, but they just showed up and I had no time.”

Stefon looked up at and towards her, his eyes puffy. “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry I acted this way, I’ve just been on edge because I feel like I’m gonna get fired, and then I find out you two are leaving, and now this, god something’s wrong with me.” Stefon blinked hard, multiple times, his eyes hurt so bad as the tears fell like daggers.

David and Amber looked at each other then back at him. “Nothing is wrong with you, buddy, life’s just been giving you shitty cards lately.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner.” Amber hugged Stefon, her head resting on his back.

“Me too.” Stefon choked out, he hated crying, especially around other people, and more importantly around David. “No matter what, I’m going to your wedding and your reception, and I’ll help you pack, I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

David sighed heavily. “Thank you man, you don’t have to do that.” David patted his back as they let go of the hug, all of them a bit teary-eyed, Stefon got off the couch and grabbed his pill bag from the shelf, and picked out a few of them.

It took him a few minutes to calm his breathing, he stared at his shoes, clutching the pills in his hands. He knew he couldn't control his family, he could barely control his life. He let a few more tears roll down his face before he wiped them off. He turned his head towards them, both looking at him like he was a broken child. And Stefon, at the moment, felt like a broken child. He needed to fix things one way or another. He took a deep breath, after what felt like an eternity, he stopped crying.

“My pleasure, Davie. You guys move to L.A., live your life, I’ll live mine. I can pick up like seven more jobs to pay for rent.” Stefon made his way over to the fridge and pulled out a water bottle, taking all the pills.

Amber’s eyes went wide, looking between the men. “What about NBC?”

As Stefon swallowed the water, he made eye contact with David. “They don’t like me without you, if we all face the facts. And that’s okay, cause I don’t like them without you either.”

David looked down at his lap, and grabbed Amber’s hand with his own, squeezing it, she squeezed back. “I’m sorry about what I said at the office today, I was mad and worried about you, but that’s no excuse. I’m just sorry.”

Stefon chuckled. “It wasn’t as worse as what I’ve heard before from tons of other people, or even just today!”

“That doesn’t make it okay, Stefon. I’m still very sorry to make you upset in any way.” David finally looked up, meeting his brother’s eyes.

“I accept your apology. I love you guys.” Stefon conjured up a smile, it was the only one of that days.

“I love you, bro.”

“I love you, Steffy.”

The next month and half was full of rehearsals and planning, and movie shoots. Stefon could barely keep up, but he did, and once all of the movie was shot and went into post production, Stefon put his two weeks notice in, already getting ready for when the happy couple would be leaving. He got jobs from friends he knew from Amber and clubs, all weird in their own way. In the morning, a barista and a tattoo artist, during the day a pilates instructor at an old folks retirement home, and during the evening, a tour guide at the local aquarium. They all paid the bills in their own way, and at night he still had time to do things he loved, partying at clubs, writing, drinking and taking drugs. He thought it would be fitting, he definitely hated the idea of waked up so early to work at the coffee shop, but so be it. 

A few days before the wedding, the three of them were moving boxes and items from the apartment, and taking them down to the U-haul parked in front of the building. It was almost an empty room, besides the few things that were Stefon’s and were nailed down to the room. It was around three in the afternoon when they finally started to bring up stuff from Stefon’s old room. David and Stefon hated bringing his bed frame, box springs, and mattress up the three flights of stairs. Amber helped them around tight corners and tried to stop them from making holes in the walls with the legs of bed frame. When they finally got most of the bulkier items in the room, Margaret showed up, helping them with some boxes. 

Will the bride and groom excuse us for a minute?” She asked, sitting a box down on his bed as she sat down next to it.

“Of course!” Amber shuffled David out of the room and closed the door behind her.

“You know, Stefon…” She started almost as soon as she heard the doorknob click. “I put up with your father for over thirty-five years. And in those thirty-five years, I learned a lot. I learned about my two beautiful sons, and how talented and amazing they are. And I learned that the man I married was an asshole. And I wish I knew that before we got married, and I would say so I didn’t get married to him. But I won’t, because without your father, and his hateful, mean spirited ass, I wouldn’t have my fantastic boys.”

Stefon was taken aback by her cussing, but gave her a side hug. “Thank you, mom.”

“And David has Amber now, and she’s a wonderful addition to the family, and whatever… man that you decide to marry will be a wonderful addition as well.” Margaret looked around the room, still getting use to but supporting her son. “I love you no matter what.”

“I love you too, mom.” Stefon looked down at his lap, pulling at his sleeves.

“And I’ve made tons of mistakes in my life, we all have. But my biggest mistake was letting my previous discomfort with who you are, dictate my judgment and force you out of the house, instead of your father. But I had a long talk with him, and he’s not coming to the wedding, and he’s no longer staying in our house.” She clenched her jaw, putting her hand on Stefon’s shoulder and squeezing it.

Stefon’s eyes widened. “I… I don’t know what to say, thank you.”

“I barely did anything, it was something I should’ve done long before you boys got old enough to talk. I know this is a difficult time for you, baby, it’s difficult for all of us. And that’s why I’ve decided I’m gonna travel for a while after the wedding, I need to get away and see some sights and make new memories away from him.”

Stefon pressed his lips together and nodded in understanding. “I hope you have fun mom, I love you.”

She rotated her body and hugged him, holding her arms behind his back. “I love you too.”

This was not how he imagined any of this would go. He always imagined some big scene, with their father yelling and screaming at them, and one day Stefon would yell back and somehow that would fix all their problems, and his father would be out of his life. But it was much quieter, and simpler than that. A few statements from his mother, a few texts to his brother, and the words and memories of the time spent with his dad would be with him for a long time. The memories would sneak up on him one day, and he’d drop his phone and he wouldn’t stop crying for hours, or they would gradually construct around him, and he would be silent the rest of the day. Healing took time, and Stefon wanted to take as much time as he could. But he knew life existed outside his apartment, and he had to participate one way or another.

When the wedding came around, Stefon took as many drugs as he could to get him through the night, not to impair any motor skills, just to help him feel better. The results of taking loads of drugs, was not remembering much, as Stefon was accustomed to. The night whizzed past him, but he did remember David and Amber’s first dance, and when he got to dance with them afterwards, early in the morning. He was as sober as he’d been in almost two years when David and Amber were in the apartment for the last time, before leaving for their honeymoon and subsequent trip across country to their new home. 

“This place looks weird…” David looked around at the apartment, with it’s new layout, the walls looked empty without Amber’s painting, but Stefon had his painting and a few drawings already hung up on the walls.

The layout of the room wasn’t drastically different than what it was before, just instead of a futon, Stefon’s actual bed, instead of Amber’s easel was Stefon’s desk with laptop and drawing supplies on it, a carpet on the wooden floors, and instead of their T.V., Stefon had his own from his old childhood room. Sure it was very, very old, and only picked up a few channels, but it would make due for now. Stefon was so happy to have his old bed back, but he would set the bed on fire and chuck it into the Hudson River if that meant David and Amber stayed, but he made his peace. He decided, he needed his own life, and even if this broke his heart and tore his world apart, he needed this, somehow.

“I like it!” Amber cheerfully exclaimed, “Although, I do have a parting gift.” She handed Stefon a painting of the New York skyline, the sky blues and purples, the buildings black, with white paint splatters for light, and the word “Love” painted in big, bold letters in the middle of it.

“Oh my god!” Stefon took the painting and examined it. “I love it, thank you!”

“You're welcome, I'm glad you like it.” Amber smiled, try in to hide the fact she could cry at any second.

Stefon looked around. “Where should I put it? I'm scared if I hang it above my bed, it'll fall on top of me at any given moment.” Stefon joked.

“Above your desk, next to yours?” David pointed, there was a space between the corner and his own painting.

Stefon turned and hung the painting up. “It’s perfect, thank you.”

They stayed in silence for a moment, all looking down, feeling sad and awkward, Stefon broke the tension. 

“Do you guys wanna take a picture?” Stefon took his phone from his pocket and showed it to the two.

“Oh!” Amber smiled, looking at David, “Yeah! Of course!”

Stefon held out his phone, David and Amber next him. “Okay, three, two, one, cheese!”

The three smiled as he clicked his phone, then checked it. “Oh god, blurry, one more.”

He tried again, this time not counting out loud, then looking at the picture. “Much better!”

Amber looked over Stefon’s shoulder. “Text that to me, we all look so good there!”

“Of course I will!” Stefon chuckled, turning off and pocketing his phone. “Have a good honeymoon! Drink a lot for me!”

“Stefon, we’re driving across country and sightseeing, we kinda can’t.” David smiled.

Stefon rolled his eyes. “Well, drink when you get to your new place then!”

“I like- I like his idea!” Amber pointed and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. “You don’t mind if I-?”

“Of course not!” Stefon waved at her. “Take it, take all my food!”

Amber laughed. “Nah, I’ll leave you some!”

David nervously played with his wedding ring. “It’s past four, we were supposed to leave at three...”

Stefon licked his lips and swallowed, trying to distract himself from his feelings. “I’m gonna miss you guys.”

“We’re gonna miss you!” Amber almost ran over from the fridge to the middle of the room to hug Stefon. “I love you, Stefon.”

“I love you too, Amby…” Stefon hugged her back, he was trying not to cry, the brothers looked at each other and David wrapped himself around Amber and Stefon, hugging them both. 

“I love you guys.” David whispered, holding onto them tightly.

Stefon took a deep breath as they let him go, his eyes tearing up. “I’m gonna miss you.”

David choked back a sob, latching back onto his brother. “We’re gonna miss you, man.”

Stefon really tried not to cry as they both picked up their bags and left the apartment. He wanted to cry, he really did. He was happy for them and loved them so much. Not all exits in life are messy, or happy, some are uneventful. Stefon wanted this to be uneventful, he wanted it be another day where he got home from work, took some pills, and headed off the newest, coolest night club. But that night, he didn’t do that. He stayed in his bed, and wrote. Poems, and paragraphs, and character descriptions, sometimes even drawing what he saw. It felt foreign and alien to be lying in his bed after almost two years of sleeping in a beanbag. Maybe now, his back won’t hurt all the time. It felt weird being home without David playing guitar, or writing on his laptop, or humming while he made pasta dishes. Or without Amber painting, or playing Super Mario Galaxy and cursing when she fell off a stage, or pronouncing loudly how amazing David’s butt looked when he made said pasta dishes.

After hours of him drawing and writing, he checked his phone for the time, almost three-thirty in the morning. Usually during this time, he would be out partying, but he had to be up early tomorrow for his first job of many. He did only start his job as a barista and tour guide at the aquarium tomorrow, his other two jobs in a few days, but he wanted to be on time to at least his first day, no matter how depressed and out of it he felt. And though he was determined not to admit it, he felt depressed. He did, he took medicine for it, but after all the time of just taking whatever, he forgot if he even took his regular ‘normal’ medicine anymore. When was the last time he went to an actual pharmacy to pick up his anxiety and depression pills? Or talked to his pharmacist? He ran his fingers through his hair, scratching his head here and there, it didn’t matter, he assumed. This was just situational depression, right? He felt that when he was in college, and then dropped out of college, he felt it at the home with his dad, he felt it at work sometimes, he felt it now. Maybe it wasn’t situational. He hated thinking like this, he knew it for a fact when David and Amber left that he would not be able to escape his thoughts like he would if they were here.

“Damn it.” He put his notebook away, charged his phone, and turned the light off; it was time for bed.

He tossed and turned all night, never finding a comfortable spot, his joints hurting, his legs going numb every once and awhile. He wanted to crawl out of his own skin. Stefon just wanted to sleep, for once. He stared at the ceiling for a long time, he presumed, zoning in and out, just trying to sleep. Once his eyes became dry and he couldn’t stop blinking, sleep grabbed at his brain. Sure, it wasn’t a good night’s rest, but when is it ever? He was awoken by his alarm on his phone going off to get ready for work. This was unfamiliar to him, waking up so early for a job, and not having David cover for him as he slept in. It was novel, really, to wake up, get ready, eat, take pills, and get dressed in an ugly uniform; and not have someone in the apartment with him. It felt lonely, obviously, but it also felt like it wasn’t real. Like David or Amber, or even Shy would walk through the door and start talking about something. But now that was all gone.

Everyone was gone. Everyone Stefon cared about was gone, and that was crushingly debilitating. This was the first morning he had done this, but it already felt like he was going through the motions. The way he put on his name tag on his apron felt commonplace, though this was the first time he’d ever worn it. When he got his stuff together and locked the door behind him, that felt new, and insane. He walked down the stairs and out his building, that felt new, though he did these things all the time. Everything was in reverse for Stefon, and it was all so depressing. He felt like nothing could bring him even a glimmer of hope as he got behind the counter of his new barista job, trying to remember all the things he was trained to do. His anxiety worsened by each customer. He touched and scratched at his face and hands, rubbing them together, trying to alleviate his apprehension. He barely had four customers when his phone pinged, he grabbed it out of his pocket, hoping it would somehow help him get out of this horrible, depressing, and anxiety ridden morning. But instead, it was just a text message from David with a picture attached. The picture was David kissing Amber’s forehead as she laughed, they were in front of a tourist trap, apparently they made their first stop somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Stefon stared intently at the phone, feeling happy for them, but ultimately sad, being reminded of their absence. A man walked up to the counter ready to order, Stefon didn’t notice. He coughed a few times to get Stefon’s attention, it didn’t. Finally he sighed, and said “I’d like to order, please. I’d just like straight, black coffee.”

Stefon put his phone away, and didn’t look up from his shoes. “For here or to go?”

“To go.” The man started tapping the counter with his fingers, which made Stefon’s anxiety ramp up.

Stefon picked up a to go cup and a pen to write on it. “Name?”

He could hear the man chuckle under his breath. “Seth.”

He wrote his name down, and finally looked up to tell him his order would be ready in a second, and if he wanted anything else, but his words wouldn’t form, because of the man standing in front of him.

Seth Meyers.


	7. Chapter 7

It was a normal morning for Seth, a normal, typical Monday. He got out of bed as early as he could muster, and put on his work out clothes, simple dark blue shirt and grey shorts with sneakers. He picked out his work clothes and put them in his backpack. Skipping breakfast, he grabbed a water bottle and started his morning jog. Monday through Saturday was when he jogged, he used to jog on Sunday’s back in the day, but not for a long time now. Taking a morning jog was relaxing for Seth, he could exercise, listen to music, and just think. Sure, he wasn’t the biggest morning person that ever lived, but he was growing into one. He liked jogging because he could just be free for an hour and a half.

Seth was out of breath by the time he got to his first stop, which was the coffee shop near his work. He took out his earbuds and let them dangle on his chest as he opened the door to the shop, holding it for a mother with a baby stroller, he waved at the baby first then to her, accepting her thanks as she left. He walked up to the counter and waited on the barista to look up from his phone. He didn’t, so Seth coughed a few times to catch his attention. Seth finally sighed and said “I’d like to order, please. I’d just like straight, black coffee.”

The barista with weird, multi colored, long sleeve shirt under his uniform, and multiple rings on his fingers put his phone away and stared at the ground. “For here or to go?”

“To go.” Seth started tapping the counter with his fingers, if he had his signature pencil on him, he’d tap the counter with the eraser end instead.

The barista took a deep breath, grabbed a cup and a pen to write on it. “Name?”

Seth stifled a chuckle, no one had asked for his name in a few years now because of SNL. “Seth.”

The strange barista finally looked up, his eyes widened. “You’re Seth Meyers.”

Seth smiled at the way this man exclaimed his name almost musically. “Yeah, that’s me.” 

“For here or to go?” The barista put the pen down after he finished writing on the cup.

“You already asked that.” Seth’s smile grew, it wasn’t everyday someone actually got full fledged starstruck by him.

“I did? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.” The man kept repeating himself, grabbing at his sleeves. 

There was a nervous and dare he say, flirtatious air around this barista that made Seth’s head tilt on its own accord. “Um…” Seth took a second to grab at his surroundings. “The coffee?”

He looked confused for a moment, then down at the cup in his hands. “Of course, yes! Of course, coffee!”

Stefon was distracted, either by his own problems, the medicine he was on, or Seth Meyers face, probably all three. And it wasn’t that he wanted to give Seth a show, he was just out of it. Not out of it in the sense on drugs, out of it by everything. The smell of coffee, the loud street outside, Seth in front of him, his own thoughts hurting his brain. He forgot Seth’s order as soon as he heard it and decided, fuck it, and gave him what he thought Seth deserved. 

Seth was amused by the way this man twirled around and made his order with such style and vibrato, almost as if he was showing off. By the time the barista was done and set the drink down in front of Seth, he finally looked at his nametag- Stefon. The drink was not the straight, black, simple coffee he ordered, this looked like a concoction of a venti, double mocha espresso, whipped cream, with a caramel drizzle and chocolate sprinkles on top.

“What…” Seth could laugh, he was amused by this monstrosity he was handed. “What is this? I ordered a regular coffee!”

“It’s a venti salted caramel mocha frappuccino with five pumps of frap roast, four pumps of caramel sauce, four pumps of caramel syrup, three pumps of mocha, five pumps of toffee nut syrup, double blended with extra whipped cream, caramel drizzle and chocolate sprinkles.” Stefon stated like it was the most normal thing in the world, counting on his fingers; his demeanor had changed from when Seth walked it, he seemed less alone, and more like he wanted to put on a show.

“I… Stefon, I’m going to have a heart attack if I take one sip of this!” Seth looked at the drink, then back at him. “Why did you make this?”

Stefon opened and closed his mouth multiple times before cover it with both his hands, then shoving them down by his sides. “I…” He grabbed the drink from Seth and held it for a hot second before sliding it back to him. “Must’ve gotten distracted.”

Seth furrowed his brow, confused, and took out the cash to pay him. “Stefon-”

“Yes, Seth Meyers.” He dragged out his last name between his teeth, a small smile creeping up.

“I-” Seth laughed, he looked down and then back up for a second as Stefon covered his mouth. “I guess this is my drink for today, thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Seth Meyers.” Stefon’s voice lowered slightly, his eyes darting around.

Seth knew this man obviously was on at least fourteen different drugs. “You don’t have to call me by my full name.”

“No, it’s fine.” He rung him up, this drink cost much more than he was used to, but it didn’t matter, he was having a fun time egging this strung out barista on.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” Seth got out before taking a sip of his coffee, it making him gag already; with a mouth full of caramel and espresso he lifted his drink to say cheers as he walked out of the door.

“Yes you will.” Stefon felt a blush on his cheeks he hadn’t felt since high school as he eyed Seth up and down.

Stefon watched as he walked down the street, putting his earbuds back in, and taking another sip of his coffee, he sighed, flustered over their encounter. He hurriedly got his phone out and texted David before his manager, Edith, could see. ‘Holy shit, you are never going to believe what just happened, my man’

Today was no longer a normal, typical Monday. Seth now walked down the street, drink in hand, sipping on it hurriedly. At first, it was horrible tasting and Seth dared to throw it away or have Stefon make him what he ordered, but after another sip or two, he started to acquire a taste for it. Sure, it was all over the place, and might give him a headache later in the day, but for today, it was his coffee. And he didn’t know why he gave in to this man he never met, but he did, and the coffee was unexpected and very sweet. Usually he would have told the barista to make his actual order, but something about this occurrence changed his mind. It was new, and knocked him off his feet, but he soon regained some sort of balance as he drank his coffee, heading up to his office.This was only going to be a one time thing, right? Right.

Wrong, Seth soon found out. He would continue to be knocked off his feet, everything was new because of this one moment in his life. When he got to work, took a shower and changed into his normal clothes, he had a sugar rush, to be expected, but there was something else, a feeling he couldn’t shake. And sure, because of the show and Amy leaving soon, he’d be alone on Weekend Update, that was it, probably, right? The world was moving around him, not revolving, obviously, just moving. Seth was fine, he had a great job, great apartment, great girlfriend, great life. Maybe a slight mix up of things was in order. He just wasn’t ready for the mix up to turn into a hurricane. And that hurricane was named Stefon Zolesky. 

Seth became addicted to the taste of the horrible coffee that was soon his ‘regular’ order. He hated the taste, but over the course of a few days then weeks, he loved it. And he loved talking to this strange barista with crazy undershirts, and loud jewelry, and hair from two-thousand-and-two. The way he’d talk about his morning or some rando he’d meet was super interesting to Seth, like the most mundane things seemed extraordinary to him when Stefon talked. He loved hearing about the crazy stories he’d tell, Seth assumed they were all made up or drug induced, a club called Crease or Wesh obviously didn’t exist. 

One morning, after a few months of their little dance, Seth was curious. He was always curious, he was a writer and comedian, he had to be. But this curiousness centered around this barista he considered an acquaintance, maybe even a friend. “So, Stefon. What is it you do?”

“What do you mean?” Stefon talked over his shoulder, he had his back turned away from Seth, making his coffee order.

“Besides make outlandish coffee and go to clubs, what do you do?” Seth brought his finger to his lips, trying to conceal a smile.

“Oh…” Stefon’s head cocked as he smirked, spinning towards some bottles to put more ingredients into the drink. “Little of everything. I used to paint, only have one painting, a Stefon original-”

‘Of course he has only one painting.’ Seth thought, scratching his arm, watching him move to another area behind the counter.

“I teach old people how to stretch, I read stuff about fish to little kids. I draw, I write, I used to write all the time, had a movie! I still do technically, but that doesn’t matter. You know, I wanted to open up a restaurant with my best friends Shy, and Joel.” Stefon put the cup down in front of Seth, and counted on his fingers.

“Really? Why didn’t you?” Seth leaned on the counter, they talked like they were the only two there in the crowded coffee shop. 

“Can’t cook!” Stefon scrunched up his face, adding chocolate sprinkles to the drink, then the lid, ringing Seth up.

Seth chuckled as he took his drink, handing Stefon the money with his right hand, then immediately sipping on the straw. “You can’t cook at all?”

“And my friends really didn’t want to own a restaurant when they both already have jobs, I mean, Stefon here has four, they need to catch up!” Stefon gestured with his hands wildly, ignoring his question. There was a comfort and a consistency when talking to Seth he hadn’t felt since the end of last year when David and Amber left. 

Seth took a double take at his words. “Four? Stefon, you have four jobs?”

“Gotta pay the bills, Seth Meyers!” He took a rag and started to wipe a spicket off that always got clogged for some reason. “So what are your plans this weekend, Seth Meyers?”

Seth tried to hide his smile as Stefon leaned forward on his elbows, hiding his own smirk behind his hands. “I have work tonight, ya know? Saturday? What about you?”

“Yes, yes, yes! I might go to Twice, or Slash, or Warren Peace.” The taller man thought about his options that were close to his apartment, for now. 

“I’m assuming those are clubs?” Seth started to back away, he really didn’t want their conversation to end, but he’d been late into work lately because of them, and he didn’t want multiple repeats. 

“You would be correct, Seth Meyers! Break some legs!” Stefon called after him as he opened the door, Seth didn’t even break eye contact, and it drove him wild.

Seth smiled, the cold February air hitting him. “Break a leg, actually.”

“Same thing!” Stefon didn’t need to say it, the door already swung shut, the bell going off, but he smiled as he wiped down the counter a little.

Seth walked with a confidence he knew he didn’t have after their conversations in the morning. He’d usually finish his drink before he’d get to the offices, he used to not do that before, but the sweetness of the coffee forced him to keep sipping on it until it was gone. It was coming up to the end of this SNL season, and there was a mixture of contemptment for an okay season, even if there was a writers strike he participated in; and a sadness that Amy was leaving. She had her new show coming up, and they talked about it constantly, but Seth feared they talked about it so much because they didn’t want to talk about her actually leaving and moving across country to shoot. They’d known each other and worked by each other’s sides for seven years now, and Seth knew it would be weird without her. He didn’t finish the drink by the time he got to his office, he was nowhere close to done with it. Amy Poehlr was already in there, going over tonight’s Weekend Update. 

He was stopped dead in his tracks, drink in hand, work out clothes still on. “Hey, what’s up?” He dragged out his greeting, confused by her presence in his office so early in the morning.

“Nothing, we’re just running late, per usual, and I wanted to show you some changes- What are you drinking?” Amy looked up from her script, meeting Seth’s eyes, then looking down at the cup in his hand.

“Oh!” Seth blinked multiple times, looked down at his drink, then to Amy. “My usual coffee order.”

“Since when?” Amy put one hand on her hip, the script folding in a weird way at her side.

“A while, I don’t know, just kinda happened.” Seth clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, moving past Amy, setting his backpack down in his office chair.

Amy’s gaze followed him, her head tilting slightly and upward towards him. “You don’t drink that sugary stuff, you like plain coffee.”

Seth started taking his regular clothes out of his bag, setting them and the coffee down on his table as he got his laptop out, not truly paying attention. “You know, I think it’s all Stefon knows how to make.”

“Stefon?” Amy questioned, picking up the cup and looking at the drink, almost gagging by the sight of it alone.

“The… barista.” Seth didn’t really know what to call him, an acquaintance? A friend? A drugged out guy who’d flirt with him eleven times out of ten?

“How long have you two been talking?” Amy crossed her arms, she had abandoned the script as she put it on his desk.

Seth stopped as he got to his work shoes at the bottom of the bag, looking up at her, and mimicked her pose. “I didn’t say anything about us talking.”

She squinted and pointed at the drink. “You’re drinking this garbage that’s gonna make you run more than ever, AND you know him by his first name, how long have you two been talking?”

Seth licked his lips and tried to force himself to not smile, he took his work shoes out of his bag and replaced them with his sneakers. “Three, four months? I don’t- I’m not sure.”

“You have a crush.” Amy stated, picking up the script and hitting the table with it, for emphasis. 

He exhaled sharply, meeting her gaze. “I have a girlfriend.”

“You have a crush.” Amy repeated, pushing the script towards him. “Rewrites for tonight, see you at dress rehearsal.”

Seth shook his head as she left his office, he scratched his face, and walked to close the door to his office, getting ready, showered, and changed as quickly as he could. He peeked every few moments to look at the script, noticing changes and rewrites. He finally finished his drink, putting the cup in his garbage can, his sugar rush would start to crash in a few hours, probably right before dress. He hated that this started happening, but he could usually pick himself up before it would. Seth sat down at his desk to get at least a little bit of writing in before dress, when he looked at the clock, was in an hour. He had to rush, he knew, to get anything done around here.

Stefon didn’t watch Saturday Night Live, it was on when most clubs were starting to open, and weekends were the only free time Stefon had anymore. But he did cheer Seth on and say he watched and showered him in compliments the next Monday mornings when he saw him. Which usually worked, but there are the summers and off weeks where SNL is on break, but Seth wouldn’t correct Stefon, he secretly liked being complimented like this, and egging him on, even if he knew it might be and was a lie. Stefon grew more into his own in the early months of two-thousand-and-eight, no family or ‘real’ friends to keep him from going to crazy clubs he’s heard about, or try new and exciting drugs, or even just sleeping in his clothes. He could go out on a Saturday and not get home until Monday night because of partying, men, and work, and there was no shame to it. Stefon loved his family, and missed them dearly everyday, but he finally felt free in a weird way. And sure, he took shots of drinks he didn’t know the name of, and swallowed pills he couldn’t remember taking in the morning, but he was fine! And maybe he did it to try to block his memories of them out or to stop feeling so alone, but who could feel alone when they’re high in New York City? Stefon definitely could. But that was changing, and fast.

A new club popped up in Albany or Rochester, Stefon couldn’t remember, but he was dying to go to. People were saying it was New York’s Hottest Club! Was Stefon saying it? No, of course not, it just came about and Stefon hadn’t visited it yet, so it couldn’t be. When he walked up to the club, he noticed there wasn’t a bouncer, but ten jacked homeless guys in old fashion bathing suits guarding the door.

“Excuse me, Stefon, hi, that’s me. Is this Taste?” He asked the first jacked homeless man he saw.

The man wearing a green and off white striped bathing suit looked Stefon up and down, he towered over Stefon’s very tall stature of six-one. “Yeah.”

“Is there a password?” Stefon looked up through his eyebrows, the homeless man’s beard was neatly trimmed for being homeless.

“You tell me.” He squinted, crossing his arms at Stefon.

Stefon squinted back, holding his ground. “No.”

The man moved to one side, motioning Stefon to the door. “Step right in, welcome to Taste.”

When Stefon walked into the brick building, he assumed this club would be similar to most he’d been to lately, loud music, glass, babies in Mozart wigs; but was surprised when he was greeted by multiple ice sculptures. They looked like it took days to make, the designs intricate and dazzling. The first one he saw was a woman, taller than anyone here, on a gigantic table surrounded by wine glasses. She was in a dancers pose, but her dress looked medieval. Her long hair blew in the wind, and if he stared long enough, he’d see that at the tips of her hair and fingers, water was already dripping from them. The lights that flashed around her made a gradient through her body, the top a solid blue, the middle a pink, and the bottom a purple. The next ice sculpture was of two figures, a man and a woman, back to back. The woman’s hands were on fire and she was smiling, and the man had a single finger up to his lips. Her right and his left hand were intertwined, they looked as if they were ready for a battle. And then there was last ice sculpture, out of dozens Stefon took note of before taking some hydrocodone and washing it down with vodka. It was a beautiful elven woman with a crossbow, her braided hair whipping behind her in the wind. She was riding on a unicorn with three horns, the lights making the unicorn rainbow colored. The table she was on had donuts, cake pops, and a chocolate fountain on it. 

The Germfs, German Smurfs, were tearing it up on the dance floor, while an old lady with kitten-play hair, and a single Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara were in the corner, gossiping about all the Wineo’s at the club. Stefon knew it was Gals, Gays, and Germans night, and he only checked off one of those boxes, but it didn’t matter. He wasn’t here for them, Stefon was here for the one, the only, DJ Baby Bok Choy. Stefon could spot him across the dancefloor with ease, he was a giant, three hundred pound, Chinese baby; who wore tinted aviator glasses, and his was currently spinning records with his little, ravioli hands. He weaved and bobbed his way through the crowd, trying to at least make his way over to DJ Baby Bok Choy, to get his autograph, but as the crowds full of all these different, crazy people, dressed as German Smurfs jumped and moved to the beat, Stefon lost his way and purpose and started to join them. Hours had passed, and he’d given up on the DJ, more and more people left and entered the dancefloor, Stefon only stopped dancing every once and a while to order drinks for himself and to take more hydrocodone and smoke pot. 

His mind and memories wavered and blurred throughout the night, he barely remembered talking to DJ Baby Bok Choy. He felt like his brain ached as he talked and laughed with tons of people, all of them with wine glasses, full of tons of different insane drinks not meant for wine glasses. Stefon smiled as the crowd on the dancefloor picked up again, moving over to it, swaying to the beat. Stefon laughed as more people joined around him, he felt a dazy comfort of these people he didn’t know. Later in the night, he met a guy, who wore a gold and black outfit, with dark curly hair and circular glasses, didn’t ask for his name, but they danced and drank for hours. His lips grazed Stefon’s earlobe, whispering in his ear, both of them smirking. Stefon knew he probably wouldn’t remember what they would do in the next few hours, and he didn’t care. They knew that they were just a means to an end, and it was good. Stefon swallowed a xanax before taking the man’s hand as he lead him out of the club, to his apartment.

Stefon woke up in the morning, gathered his clothes, and put them on as fast and as quietly as he could, the naked man on the couch still asleep. Stefon didn’t know him or slightly care for him, but last night was fine, so he decided to leave a note. ‘Had fun. -S.Z.’ He left the note on the coffee table and silently sprinted to the front door, which opened up to the street. He looked around for any street sign, he was close to Taste, so he knew how to get home from there. He checked his phone, which was four uses away from dying, and saw a few texts from Amber, and Shy. He breathed in the cold air around him and started to make his way up the street, turning the corner to find his way back to his apartment. This wasn’t a walk of shame, far from it, it was a walk of normality.


	8. Chapter 8

“Good luck on the show tomorrow, Seth Meyers. Wish I could see it live” Stefon’s voice was flirty and warm in the air, as he gave Seth his receipt and extra change.

Seth pulled away from his drink, taking the bill and money. “Oh, you’re not watching?”

“Unfortunately not, my brother is flying me out to California for a surprise.” His eyebrows lifted as he smiled with an open mouth.

“Wow, across country? How long will you be gone?” Seth started drinking his coffee again.

“I’m leaving after my shift here, and I’ll be back Tuesday morning just in time to see your handsome face.” Stefon winked, pointing his finger out and booping the air in front of Seth.

Seth would argue that he did not in fact blush at this, but he would be lying. “Have a fun trip, Stefon.”

Stefon eyed him up and down as he left the coffee shop. “I will! See you Tuesday.”

It was only an hour later before his shift was over, he walked to his apartment, changed out of his uniform and into his ‘normal’ clothes, and got his suitcase to leave. He called a taxi to take him to the JFK airport, he got there an hour early before his flight, since the airport was always so packed and behind schedule. By the time he got through security, gave them his ticket, and boarded the plane, his anxiety and intolerance for people skyrocketed. When he put away his luggage and sat down in his seat, he took some pills to knock himself out, he had a long flight to California. He paid for the flight there, which he had to take extra shifts at the aquarium and tattoo parlor to pay for, and David and Amber paid for his flight back. He passed out, and almost immediately woke up when the guy next to him nudged him, they had landed at L.A.X.

Stefon sighed as he grabbed his carry on, it was the only thing he took with him, since he was only staying the weekend. He turned his phone back on as he stepped off the plane, into the airport. He called David to have a short conversation about where they would pick him up. His unloading station was at the back of the building, and David said he would meet him at the front of the main parking lot, so hopefully he didn’t have to walk too long. Stefon did get lost a few times, not knowing the lay of the land. He eventually made it to the front doors, but the main parking lot was gigantic, and there wasn’t a direct place David said he was going to be at, besides the front. Stefon walked down a few aisles of the main parking area before hearing some yelling behind him, about forty feet.

“STEFON!” He heard his brother shout, Stefon stopped his brisk walking to a small saunter, rolling suitcase in hand.

He looked over his shoulder and saw David driving his car, Amber basically hanging out of the passenger seat window. “STEFON ZOLESKY!” He smiled as he stopped, Amber getting back in the car and as the car stopped beside him, she couldn’t help but grin. “Hey stranger.”

If Stefon was a sentimental person, which he didn’t categorize himself as, he would’ve cried on sight. “Hey guys.”

“Jump in the backseat!” David unlocked the car, watching as Stefon put his suitcase on the floorboard, then getting in himself, positioning himself in the middle. 

He leaned forward and propped his arms up on their seats. “Thanks for inviting me and picking me up. Stefon has been knocked out during that plane ride, so you are gonna have to keep me awake for most of today!”

“Course, no problem, man. It’s good to see you, Stefon!” David put the car in drive and started to make his way out of the parking lot, stopping for other cars every once and awhile. 

Stefon smiled, leaning back, buckling up. “It’s good to see you, I missed you guys!”

“We missed you.” Amber said, looking back at Stefon, she had blonde in her dreads now, instead of the pink at the bottom.

Stefon looked between the two of them and couldn’t help but smile, being around them felt like the most normal thing in the world to Stefon. In the year that they had been gone, close to their anniversary now, Stefon had tried out new things. Things he liked, and eventually loved, but they were certainly not normal. He met people of all types of life at the clubs he went to, but no one could compare to the air around David and Amber. Shy and Joel, and tons of other club-goers were amazing, but nothing could compare to the comfort Stefon felt around these two. They were his safety net. Sure, his scheduled ‘meetings’ with Seth Meyers as he made him his regular order were fun, and he had a lot of laughs, but Stefon knew there could be nothing there. Friendship or otherwise, he wanted there to be, god he really did, but Stefon knew the truth; he wasn’t dumb.

As they left the airport and made their way to the highway, David turned the radio on and Amber started singing along to it, David joined in a few lines later. Stefon cracked a smile looking at them singing along to the song, just like they did back home. Stefon couldn’t shake the fact that this felt normal, but also so abnormal as well. The song on the radio must’ve been mainstream, Stefon hadn’t heard it before. Well, almost all of the songs he listened to as of late were from clubs or underground, overseas bands. The way Amber scrunched up her face and turned to David as she sang was normal, holding a fist in front of her face like it was a microphone was normal and cute. How David bobbed his head and wiggled his shoulders as he danced in his seat was normal, Stefon didn’t even realize how much he missed them until this moment. It was like he was living on autopilot for twelve months, occasionally stopping to find new clubs, writing a few short stories, and flirting with guys, well one guy in particular. 

Stefon looked out his left window, noticing they were out of highway traffic and on a two lane road, on a cliff side, overlooking a huge body of water. Stefon looked up at the gigantic mountain across from them, they were on a mountain themselves, his ears popping as they drove up and down the long winding road. He knew if he rolled down the window his ears would pop even more, and David would probably chastise him because he had the air on, but he wanted to see the hills and chasm they were driving over. Stefon was still slightly drowsy as they drove to David and Amber’s apartment, and didn’t even snap out of his haze until they got in an elevator and then walked through their front door. 

“Nice place, it’s an actual apartment!” Stefon commented as he looked around, making the other two snicker at his joke.

“Thanks man, yeah, and you get your own bed!” David patted his back as they made their way to the couch in the living room area of this open space.

“Oh? No bean bag? Then this feels nothing like home!” Stefon smirked as he sat down in a chair next to the sizable grey couch.

Amber laughed as she sat on her legs, leaning onto the couches arm. “Yeah, sorry about that, we just thought you’d like your own room while you stayed here.

“Hmm!” Stefon hummed in agreement, his eyebrows lifting as he did.

The main room they were in was mostly beige walls, with a horizontal wooden slate accent wall where the fireplace was, in front of them. The couch and seat were both a grey color, but had orange and yellow throw pillows and blankets on them. Behind the couch was a dining area, a black table with four white chairs. The kitchen was simple, in the corner, but about the size of Stefon’s actual apartment. There was an island with a sink in it that you could sit at and everything. Their apartment wasn’t huge, but it was much bigger than what Stefon was used to. Amber’s paintings livened up the walls, taking up as much wall space as they could. Stefon remembered some old ones and where they used to hang in his apartment, and noted the new ones and how her style had evolved. There was a modern fireplace in front of them and to his side was a gigantic floor to ceiling window that showed off the beautiful Santa Barbara skyline and waterfront. 

“So why did you guys invite me? I know it can’t be for your anniversary, so why?” Stefon gazed around at the small, but adult looking place. They really have grown in the twelve months they’ve been gone, and Stefon had too, he decided.

“Well Stefon,” David put his arm around Amber as he sat down next to her. “I got a call from some executives at a very large corporation, and they loved ‘Isabella’s Journey.’”

“That's good, and?” Stefon said, remembering how well their movie did in the box office. Yes, it wasn't a major hit, but people liked it and it got nominated for an Oscar.

“They asked for us by name. They asked for the Zolesky brothers, BY NAME! Isn't that insane, man?” David pointed between themselves, Amber couldn't help but squeal. 

Stefon was dumbfounded, this was like dream to him, he hadn't actually written a script in so long. “Yeah… So what are we gonna do?” 

David gulped, leaning on his knees, taking his arm away from Amber, putting his hands together in front of himself. “Monday morning, day before you leave, we have a pitch meeting with these guys. If they like it, we could make another movie, maybe be a writing team again?”

Stefon’s eyes darted between David and Amber, both with baited breath. He didn't want to disappoint them, and he really did miss them a whole lot. “Sure, let's get to work, let's see what happens!”

After Stefon had put his suitcase up in his room, which he figured out was combination guest room, painting area, and office; they started brainstorming like they used to. Pacing around, saying whatever came to mind, even suggesting older ideas that they hadn't touched in a long while. By the time David and Amber started making dinner, Stefon and David had made massive progress on their main and side characters, and A and B plots. David had to move all of their papers from the dining room table to set up for dinner, Stefon basically walking and writing with him as he took Stefon’s notebook to the living room coffee table. Amber made up songs as she cooked the food, which she always did when she cooked or cleaned or painted. David set up the table with their bowls of chicken alfredo with fettuccine, the room being lit up by soft lighting from the chandelier above head and some candles. David and Amber sat down first, Stefon sitting on the couch, writing in a notebook.

“Stefon, the food’s ready.” David picked up his knife and fork, ready to eat.

“One second.” Stefon kept writing in the notebook, his back towards them.

Amber took a sip of her water and sat the glass down in it’s regular position. “Steffy, if you don’t come over here and eat the food I made, I will hurt you.”

“Okay, yes ma’am.” Stefon chuckled, getting up and walked to the table, sitting down across from David, having a clear view of the waterfront outside because of the gigantic floor to ceiling windows. “Aren’t those bad for privacy?”

“We have curtains.” Amber pointed with her fork that had chicken on the end of it towards said sandy colored curtains bunched up in the corner that ran the length of the wall.

Stefon took a bite of his food and smiled, he let go of a breath that he knew he had been holding for the entire year they had been gone. “This is great Amber, thank you.”

“Yeah it is, I’m an amazing chef!” Amber boasted, as she ate more.

“You know, I think this is the first hot, home cooked meal I’ve had in awhile.” He confessed, scarfing down the alfredo.

David looked between Stefon and Amber. “What have you been eating lately?”

“Just like, a stick of cheese or an apple for breakfast, coffee. I pack my own lunch and eat at the tattoo shop, so that’s usually cold or I heat it up in the microwave and it’s cold in the middle. And I try to have dinner at home before I go out, but most of the places I go have small dishes. If they don’t I pick something up after I leave.” He explained, wrapping the noodles around his fork.

David was a little concerned for his younger brother. “You do that everyday, is that healthy?”

“Oh, no! Not everyday,” Stefon tried not to burn himself as he took a big bite out of his food. “Every other day I have lunch at the old folks home I work at after the tattoo parlor. And it’s nice, they feed them well, and I get to know all the hot gossip around the place.”

“Hot gossip at a nursing home?” Amber questioned, a smirk plastered on her face, she considered opening a bottle of wine. 

“Oh, all the time! Janice and Nancy have an ongoing feud over a chess game but really, I think it's their jealousy over Thomas and his new girlfriend, Amelia.” Stefon punctuated his sentence with his fork, using it as an appendage like it was his pointer finger.

“Oh, so very juicy, hot gossip, I see!” Amber chuckled under her breath. “How’ve you been?”

Stefon stopped to swallow his food and answer her question. “Good, good. I haven’t been able to write like we used to because of work and clubs, but I have fun.”

“You could not go to clubs sometimes and write if you want.” David suggested, picking up his glass to take a drink.

“I love those clubs, I have fun. People like me there, like I belong there.” Stefon put his left hand on top of his right palm in the air and held it there for a moment, before picking up his fork again to continue eating.

They finished their eating fairly quickly, and Stefon offered to clean up, but the couple refused and did it themselves as he went back to writing. David followed suit, after Amber announced she was going to go upstairs and work on a painting so she wouldn’t interrupt them. Stefon felt like he was interrupting them, he knew he was invited here and they were family, but it still felt off. He loved them and they loved him, but he just felt like an intruder, like he popped their bubble of personal space. He knew he had to shake this feeling off as soon as he could so he could get into writing mode, they only had these three days to come up with and workshop this story. People called their first movie magic, and everyone loves David’s writing on all of the solo and t.v. projects he’s done, so Stefon wasn’t worried they wouldn’t like their pitch. They asked for them directly, he was just worried he’d screw it up somehow, or they wouldn’t like him, or they’d like him so much Stefon would have to rework his schedule he’s crafted without everyone. 

“So have we decided on basketball or football for the grandfather?” David’s furiously typed away on his laptop, only stopping to read what he wrote.

Stefon took a deep breath and looked over their noted in their notebooks. “Football, there’s been like seven basketball movies so far this year. It’ll look like we’re following trends. And if that’s one thing Stefon doesn’t do, is follow trends.” 

David scratched his eyebrow and then looked up at Stefon. “There’s tons of football movies, Stefon.”

“There’s tons of movies, David. We’re all just telling the same stories over and over again with new twists.” Stefon swallowed and clenched his jaw as he wrote out names for side characters.

“You’re right about that.” He nodded and went back to writing a sloppy description of the short synopsis of the A plot. 

They stayed up until around two a.m. fleshing out specific details, Amber coming down to wash out her brushes every once and a while before going to bed herself. David went to bed soon after, Stefon staying up half and hour more, trying to get the B plot to make sense. He cursed under his breath as he gave up until the morning, climbing up the short bit of stairs and going to the guest room. The room was simple, a dresser and a mirror to Stefon’s left as he entered, the bed on the other left wall, a desk and easel facing it, a window with white curtains that offset the light brown paint on the walls. The room didn’t have as many paintings as all the other walls did, but it did seem slightly untouched, aside from the easel and writing desk. There were a few decorative pillows Stefon had to move to the foot of the bed to even think about getting to the covers, but then realized he probably should put on pajamas for them, as he hadn’t worn any in twelve months. 

After he pulled on sweats and a loose tee, he got into the bed and charged his phone, falling asleep, not needing pills to help him, he was dead tired and slept like a log the entire night. He was awoken by ships out on the docks, blowing horns at each other, around nine a.m., a time Stefon did not want to be awake at. His eyes felt heavy and he would take long moments of holding them close before opening them and blinking rapidly. He was extremely tired, but he knew they had work to do if they were going to get this pitch on Monday. It was strange, doing this again, after so long of living their own lives. And they missed each other immensely, it just felt strange to be back in a routine so quickly after it being gone for so long, like their brain went on autopilot. Stefon finally got up after staring at the ceiling for a few moments, walking down stairs, to see Amber eating at the dining room table and David on the couch, typing at his laptop. Stefon could see them back at the apartment doing this, but both of them squeezed on the tiny futon.

“I’ve been meaning to ask, where’s the futon?” Stefon rubbed his forehead as he got in the chair next to the couch.

“We had to sell it. Rent was really steep at our first place.” Amber paused from eating her cereal to answer his question.

“First place?” Stefon’s eyebrows knitted together, mimicking what she said.

“Yeah, we had to move out of the first place we rented cause it was too much money and we weren’t making enough. I thought I told you that.” David looked over at Stefon, scratching his back and readjusting his shirt.

“You probably did.” Stefon forced a smile and picked up the notebook they had been using, going over everything from the night before. “What time is the pitch?”

“Meeting’s at ten a.m.” David thought for a moment before going back to his work.

Their weekend consisted of this routine that seemed all too familiar, writing and eating and barely talking when not in the company of Amber, or only talking when necessary because they worked better when quiet. And they barely slept, to Stefon this didn’t feel like a weekend vacation, it felt like work did before David and Amber moved, but he was fine with it because he missed his family, and he missed writing. They only stopped for food, the first night was home cooked, but the Saturday and Sunday night meals were at restaurants Stefon didn’t care to remember, the food was good, and there was alcohol. Amber liked talking to Stefon as they wrote, she joked and poked fun at her husband, using Stefon as a comedy partner. Stefon agreed to her shenanigans full heartedly, commenting about him as they both wrote, David jokingly mumbling for them to shut up. It was nice, to have this again, to be with his family, and to not be with his thoughts for so long. That Sunday night, and Monday morning, Stefon tossed and turned, he could not fall asleep, his mind and body were racing. It felt like he was having two seperate, collective panic attacks. 

“Ten, ten, ten, the meeting’s at ten. Can’t forget, I can’t forget, I can’t let them down.” Stefon repeated over and over, touching his face, he looked at his phone clock, it was two in the morning. “God, kill me.”

He jumped out of bed and looked through his suitcase for his pills, taking a few, trying to calm his nerves. What they instead did, was heighten them. This happened sometimes, and he could play it off, but knowing this panic attack was coinciding with his medicine, made everything a bit worse. Now he was not only scared of fucking this meeting up just by being Stefon, he was worried he would fuck it up in every single imaginable way. He did play it off for a bit, to himself, he convinced himself everything would be okay for a few hours. He even fooled David for a bit as they travelled the hour long journey to Burbank, but David knew his brother. And as they parked in the visitors parking area, he had only one question for him.

“Are you gonna be okay?” 

Stefon turned to his side to face David. He looked him in the eyes, something he rarely did, and choked out a sigh. “In a bit, I think… I think before I go in there, I just gotta take a second to myself, okay?”

He was met with a reassuring smile and a pat on the shoulder. “Of course, buddy.”

And Stefon wanted to smile back, but he just couldn’t, it felt empty. So they walked, into the building, they checked in with the receptionist and waited. And waited, and waited, until they were called up to the third floor of this building. They walked side by side, getting in the elevator, just the two of them. David had all the papers, Stefon just tugged at his sleeves like he always did. His breathing was normal, but it was heavy and quick, it was just too slow. All of this was too slow, his blinking, his movement, everything. David led the way, and before he walked into the office they had been told to go into, he stopped, and hugged Stefon.

“Thank you for doing this with me, man.” David let go of him and patted his shoulders.

“Of course.” Was all Stefon could get out before David went into the office, being greeted by executive producers, Stefon leaned on the wall next to the door and just tried to breathe.

He listened in through the slightly ajar door. 

“David, we’re very happy you could come in.” One of the producers stated to his brother.

“Yeah, is your brother coming? I know you two haven’t worked together in a while.” That offhand comment from the other man felt like a bomb had went off inside Stefon’s chest. Of course they doubted him, of course they would.

“You know, Stefon’ll be here, you know, he’s been going through some stuff the past couple of years.” And there went David, always trying to help and protect Stefon like the younger brother he was, always trying to make things better. And Stefon was grateful for that, but also angry. Angry that he couldn’t be his own person, always hidden by David, always living in his shadow. Which, he never thought was David’s fault, always his for staying there and succumbing to the role of the little brother.

“Okay, well, we’re just glad you’re making movies together again. ‘Cause when you do, it’s magic!” The first producer smiled, Stefon didn’t even need to see his face and could tell he smiled, David, and by proxy, the Zolesky brothers had that effect on people.

Stefon took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself, but he couldn’t. Stefon went into the meeting wanting to help David, he didn’t mean to throw it, he didn’t mean to do anything wrong. But the mixture of tons of drugs he barely remembered taking, the panic attack, and the blood pumping through him so loud, he could hear his heartbeat in his ears, he was gone. He didn’t want to be gone, but everything, all logic and common sense was gone, so he held onto the only constant thing he had in his life at the moment. He held onto the only places he felt safe, his clubs.

“Hi.” Stefon walked in, trying to walk as straight and normally as possible, making it to the chair next to David and sitting down, ignoring the producer’s outstretched hands by accident.

“Hey, Stefon! Hello, how are you?” The first man dropped his hand and sat down with Stefon.

“Stefon, coffee, can I get you coffee?” The second offered, trying to be more accommodating. 

“No, I’ve been awake for like, three days.” Stefon wasn’t lying, they had technically been up a while writing the pitch for this meeting.

David tried to change the subject. “Alright, let’s just- let’s just get started.”

“Alright! You know, I can’t believe it, the Zolesky brothers, together again!” The second man wearing a red tie hit his hands on the desk, startling Stefon.

“Okay, basically it starts with this character, Bob, um- he’s a grandfather, kinda cantankerous, but lovable. Was a football star, in college.” When David got in pitch meeting mood, he moved his hands a lot, trying to get everyone excited even by the most mundane movie concepts.

“Yeah, and it’s like he has that like, thing, that like jock thing from the fifties when guys are like cut, and they have that like, v, you know, but the small waist.” Stefon didn’t mean to contribute to the conversation, but something forced him to talk.

“Yeah, uh huh, but so Bob has this grandson, Eddie, who wants to try out for the college football team! And Eddie-” David tried to get back on topic, worried not only about this meeting already, but his brother.

“Has that like twink look, like thin, dumb, NYC nights, twenty-fourth and eighth-” He cut in again, but was soon stopped David.

“No, no, no. He’s the grandson, just think about him like the grandson, and he’s never really known the grandfather, because he was raised by these kinda artsy-fartsy parents.” David kept gesturing with his hands, a nervous tick he had in these meetings, Stefon would do the same, but instead of his hands going outward towards them, he’d instinctively cover his face and body somehow.

Stefon tried to add on, he tried to help, not knowing this was the exact opposite of help. “And we just see scene after scene of them in jeans, you know? With that like, tight grip here? You know, right here, so like the shape breaths?”

“Sorry, what kind of movie is this?” One of the producers asked, very confused by the brother’s differentiating stories.

David soon regained control, he needed this to go perfect. “It’s a family movie, the movie’s a family movie, and by the second act, Eddie realizes that if he wants to make the team, he needs his grandfather to help him train.”

Stefon talked before his brain could catch up with him, he wanted this to be perfect for his brother, but for some reason, his mind was fighting him. “Then it’s just quick, sloppy cuts of mascara running down their faces, and adult-baby fantasy shots of diaper people. And they’re like into everything, groups, j-offs, intimidation scenarios-”

“No, no, no!” David raised his voice, overlapping him.

“-Newsies fantasies-” He continued listing things off.

“You two are, you two are brothers? Actual brothers?” The producer in the red tie was so bewildered by Stefon, as were most people in general.

“Yeah, yeah, we are, we are, we are. The grandfather trains the grandson for the try outs and eventually Bob and Eddie become very close, and it helps reunite the big, old Irish family!” David put on a smile and did what he did best, hammed it up for people in charge, needing them to feel some sort of emotion.

“And then it’s just like, effed up, leprechaun situations! Because, you know when ripped little people have that pony keg chest?” Stefon motioned to his chest as he talked, showing the three in the room what he meant.

“So, it’s really like ‘Bad News Bears’ meets ‘Little Miss Sunshine!’ You know? And for Bob, we’re thinking-” David kept the smiles going, not feeling agitated by Stefon, just needing this meeting to end as soon as it could.

“A sunburnt, jacked, old man.”

“Tom Wilkinson.” David sighed out, Stefon was out of it, and they all knew it.

“Okay, well, seems like we have two entirely different ideas here. One would be yours David, a classic coming-of-age story with a ruddy-like football underdog theme, that I love. The other’s is yours, Stefon. Ah, some kind of, half-remembered, gay nightmare, would you agree?” The producer in the red tie got up and walked around the desk to them, putting his hands on both of their chairs.

“Yes.” Stefon looked around, his nerves getting to him.

“Well, we’re gonna make yours, David, I will tell you that. I’m sorry Stefon, but we can’t make your movie.” The man tried to be as gracious as he could towards the brothers.

“What movie?” Stefon furrowed his brow, why did he say that? He knew they were pitching a movie.

“Okay, but Stefon, how would you like to feel about doing a rewrite of Wall-e two?” The producer was obviously humoring him.

“Yay!” Stefon threw his arms up in the air and exclaimed in the most disinterested voice.

“Good, okay! Okay, good! Stefon?” The producers were confused as they walked out of the office, trying to check on Stefon, who still had his hands in the air.

David saw their concern, and ushered them out, wanting to help Stefon himself. “Don’t worry about him, I’ll help him out.”

When the door closed and Stefon heard David talking and apologizing with the producers, them saying everything was fine. Stefon knew that wasn’t true and mentally beat himself up over it. David re-entered the room, Stefon had put his arms down, he sighed, there was a darkness clouding his judgement. David sat back down in the chair next to him, and they stared ahead. Stefon’s heart rate was dropping slowly, finally the panic was getting away from him, now he was just high and dazed. David rubbed his forehead, legs crossed, trying to think of a way to start this conversation without hurting either of their feelings. Stefon noticed this tension and broke the silence with a cough.

“So HBO is really censoring their stuff these days, huh?” Stefon looked at his hands in his lap.

David sighed again, finally putting his hand down. “Stefon… this is… this is Disney Studios.”

“Oh shit… they probably didn’t like that…” Stefon said before covering his mouth, as if saying curse words would summon the Mouse himself to kill you.

“Yeah… How about we go home and talk about this later?” David muttered out of the side of his mouth.

Stefon blinked slowly a few times before nodding. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

The ride home was almost as deafening as the office was, only this time Stefon at least had a nice view to look at. Until David did finally speak up thirty minutes before they got back to his place. “Stefon… I’m… I’m worried about you. I mean, I’m always worried about you, you’re my baby brother, but you know what I mean…”

Stefon decided not to respond, just stew in the mess he knew he made, and in the anger that somehow reared its ugly head when his brother talked to him like this. And this was him being the younger, ‘needed protecting’ brother. And he didn’t like it because he wanted to learn how to grow up and make mistakes, and be his own person, but David’s mentality wasn’t letting him do that. It never did. He just felt broken, and he was finally putting the pieces back together again, and this made him feel like all his work was gone. Like he wasn’t good enough for David and Amber. He loved them, and he knew they loved him back, but this all felt wrong to him.

When they pulled up to the apartment, Stefon wanted to voice this, but he wanted to be out of his fugue state before he messed anything else up. David locked the car up as they walked in silence, as they had done the entire ride home, and opened the door for Stefon, both walking in, Amber waiting for them.

She was eager for good news from them. “So? How’d it go?”

“They’re gonna make the movie.” David sighed in a monotone voice.

Amber tilted her head in confusion. “What’s wrong? That’s great!”

“I fucked up, it’s just David’s, they don’t want me, but I don’t want this either.” Stefon almost whispered, the shame washing over him. “I’m sorry.”

“I thought we were gonna be a team again, I thought you wanted to write again!” David turned to Stefon, a sad look plastered his face.

Stefon covered his face for a moment before finally looking at his brother. “I do, but not like this. I need to be my own person. I don’t want to leave New York just because you miss your writing partner.”

“I miss my brother!” David crossed his arms.

“You had all weekend to catch up with me, and all we did was write and work on something I don’t want to be apart of! I miss you guys more than life itself, but getting back in that headspace I was in for all those years is not good for me!” Stefon rubbed his forehead, and held his head in his hands, he didn’t want them to see him tear up.

Amber interrupted, holding a hand in the air. “Guys stop, this isn’t gonna help either of you. You need to actually talk, come here, sit down.”

She motioned for the two to sit down on the couch, she took the seat. “Now talk it out, and don’t raise your fucking voices, or I will.”

David looked over at Amber, then at Stefon. “I’m sorry I forced you to do this.”

“You didn’t force me into anything, I love writing, I love working with you, but I know if they signed us both you’d want me to move here and it would be just like it was. And it was great, but I need to be Stefon, cause for so long it’s been David and Stefon, it's been the Zolesky brothers.” Stefon played with his sleeves, not looking at anyone.

“I… I get it. You know, I’m just worried about you, I’m always worried about everything. I just want you to be happy and safe.” David’s voice was barely a whisper.

Stefon licked his lips before speaking. “I am, I’m just worried you guys moved to get away from me.”

“No! No!” David turned all the way to Stefon, putting an arm on the couch cushions behind them. “We moved for career reasons, not because of that! If I could have it my way, we’d all be together.”

“But-” Stefon started.

“But you need to be your own person, and I respect that, Stefon. And I need to stop trying to change you, I’m sorry for that.” David put his hand on Stefon’s shoulder and shook him, making them both chuckle.

“Thank you. I don’t think I’m gonna take that rewrite of Wall-e two.” Stefon smiled, laughing through his teeth.

David laughed, Amber soon followed. “Have you even seen the first movie?” She questioned. 

“No.” Stefon pulled a face and laughed behind his hands. “I have four jobs, I don’t have time for childrens movies.”

“It’s really good, you wanna watch it?” David suggested, squinting his eyes.

Stefon smiled, and through the tiny laughter, wrinkled his eyebrows over the fact they have said movie. “Really? You have it?”

“Yeah, got a blu-ray of it around here somewhere! How about we order some pizza and have a movie night?” Amber stood up, looking in the T.V. stand drawers for said movie, pulling out other movies, looking under them.

“That sounds great!” Stefon smiled, and hugged David slightly. “I should call you more often.”

“Eh, we both should.” David scrunched up his face. “Love ya doofus.”

“Love you, goofus.” Stefon stood up and took off his shoes and put them by the door, and let out a breath, like a weight that had been there for over a decade had finally gotten off his shoulders.

The rest of the day and night was movie night, eating popcorn and pizza, and drinking; watching movie after movie, sometimes pointing out plot holes or boom mics. And it was good, they all wished Stefon’s vacation was just this, instead of writing. But there was no sense in dwelling on the past, even if it was only a few days ago, Stefon wanted to have fun, and they did. It was the first night in a long time that he had stayed at ‘home’ and just watched movies, no clubbing, no going home with guys. And he felt at peace, and yes the broken pieces weren’t gonna be fixed overnight with one conversation with his brother, but this was a small stepping stone. He could finally start to feel like the Stefon he wanted to be. 

And the vacation ended just like that, with hope for the future, and well wishes, and ‘next time you come over, I’ll show you the corner I have at this art exhibit,’ and ‘come back soon!’ And he was gone, back on a plane to New York, to his shitty apartment, and multiple jobs, and drugs, and clubs. Sure, it wasn’t ideal, but just like this trip, it was a stepping stone. Stefon could feel it in his bones that brighter things would come along eventually, and they would. And he knew that people needed to be broken to get back up again even stronger, and there was resentment, because he knew he didn’t deserve to be broken, no one does. That Tuesday morning as he got back to work, there was a spring in his step he knew drugs couldn’t produce. He smiled and touched his face, and though anxiety did bubble up that day, he finally felt like himself. And there were rough edges and cracks and breaks, but that’s okay, everyone has those, and that’s what makes them, them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thank you for being so patient for chapter eight. Due to personal and mental health issues, I've had to change my upload schedule from every Friday, to every other Friday. I want this story to be how I invisioned it, and to be up to par and good enough for all of you, so I'm giving myself extra time to work. Also, I'm on bed rest right now with heavy medication, so if I don't upload chapter 9 on time, you know why. Thank you for understanding. -M


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